Review: CSI: Miami 7×1

Like a hole in the head

CSI: Miami 7x1

In the US: Mondays, 10pm ET/PT, CBS
In the UK: Five, Five US, Living, Living+1, blah, blah, blah… Soon and then forever

Yes, it’s back again, even though it never seemed to have gone away. It’s CSI: Miami, the world’s favourite source of mind-blowingly stupid storylines, science-fiction masquerading as police procedures, and acting that needs a whole new thesaurus full of synonyms for ‘atrocious’ for it to be adequately described – and it’s back on our screens, ready to make us all go ‘WTF?’ again.

Aren’t you glad? It’s just so much fun, isn’t it?

As you might recall from last year, poor old Horatio Caine, faced with apparently a zillion and one people unable to tolerate his stilted delivery and strange body postures, was shot mercilessly on the tarmac of a Miami airport. The cruel bastards even took out his shades of justice.

This first episode deals with the aftermath of that terrible crime against sunglasses, as Emily Procter (the blonde one who can act) and everyone else vow to discover who shot the ginger one. But all is not as it seems. Was it really Mr Wolf, the well-known playground game and natty dressing forensic scientist who decided to off his boss?

We do get to find this out – and whether Horatio made it through to the rest of the season – as we go on our customary voyage through illogic, badly motivated and poorly characterised ciphers, and conservative hate figures. Along the way, we also get a barrage of guest appearances from just about everyone who’s ever been on the show, and we get introduced to the HAL 9000 that appears to run the forensics labs in Miami. Seriously, it’s more like Minority Report than a government-funded lab in there.

Depressingly for true lovers of CSI: Miami, it’s not quite as stupid as we might have hoped, with the script perilously steering into coherence at moments. Thankfully, though, there are a few moments towards the end that are madder than a box full of frogs exposed to nothing but pre-credit Horatio one-liners their whole lives.

If you’re new to CSI: Miami, this is as good a moment as any to join in. There’s backstory a plenty, but since nothing follows on in any plausible way from it, it doesn’t really matter and ultimately the mad sense of confusion and bewilderment you’ll experience is pretty much what you’d feel with any episode, even if you’d watched it from the beginning.

If you’re an old CSI: Miami hand, you might feel a little disappointed that the producers haven’t gone for this opener with a typical series villain: for example, Mexican immigrants armed with bazookas provided by UC Berkeley feminazis in an attempt to undermine American democracy and put us under the sway of the Taliban. But you’ll feel a pleasant amount of satisfaction at various moments during the show, and hopefully feel the promise of ostentatiously bad soap opera-style storylines in the show’s future.

Here’s a slightly “dumb as a post” promo for your delight.