Who are you? Oh crap, you’re real

Imagine this. You’re a kid in a Florida High School. Your teacher has a jolly wheeze. Why don’t we go on a CSI field trip? We’ll dig up stuff – planted of course – and you’ll have to work out what happened using forensic science.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Now imagine you’re out in the field, the sun beating down as you gently brush away the dirt and the grime from the artfully placed props. Is this what it’s like for Gil, Sara and Catherine? Wow. This is great. I’m going to be a real CSI when I grow up (good luck kid. The pay’s rubbish, the courses over-subscribed, applicants-to job ratios massive and people have to make do with a magnifying glass and an old distilled water bottle to do anything, most of the time, the budget’s are so tiny).

But what’s this? It’s a hand. Cool. It’s so real-looking. But you can tell it’s fake.

Oh bugger. It’s not. It’s a dead homeless guy.

How much would you sue for?


The Wicker Man returns in a different guise

There’s a trailer available now for the remake of The Wicker Man. Yes, you read right. They’ve remade The Wicker Man. Did we really need a remake? I don’t think so, but others may disagree.

I have to say though, it doesn’t look a huge amount like the original, particularly since it stars Nicolas Cage and appears to be all about Satan-worshippers rather than pagans. So it’s more like a “re-imagining” in the parlance of Hollywood and not for the better. Oh well. I have little faith it’ll be any good, and what faith I have comes from the fact Neil LaBute is directing it. Let the forces of nature and a giant maypole prove me wrong.

Anyone reckon that Nick Cage is going to be burnt alive in a huge wicker effigy at the end, though? Thought not.

PS Nice references to Edward Woodward in the trailer. That, at least, was a nice touch.


A new channel just for me

Five have finally revealed their new free-to-view digital channels: Five US and Five Life. I’ll be ignoring Five Life since it’s basically Living TV in disguise (“Five Life will be aimed at women, with soaps and lifestyle programming as well as an extension of the channel’s children strand, Milkshake” – where are the psychics then?), but Five US is going to be all-US programming.

Well, that’s the power of blogging for you. They’ve finally developed a TV station just for me. Hooray!


Review: Doctor Who – 2×8 – The Impossible Planet

The Impossible Planet

Well that was rather good, wasn’t it? It’s been a long time since we’ve had a proper horror story on Who* and they really pulled out all the stops this time to give us a 12A version of Event Horizon. In fact, it was all rather unsettling, almost as unsettling as going to the BBC’s Doctor Who site right now with the sound on your computer turned on. Go on, I dare you.

Back to the plot.

The Doctor and Rose land on a really alien, far away planet that (yes, yes!) looks very much like a quarry. Actually, they land in a mining colony. Good old mining colonies. What would Doctor Who do without them? Or quarries for that matter.

It’s an old planet, with writing on the walls so archaic the TARDIS can’t translate it. The planet is in geostationary orbit round a black hole, which, as the Doctor points out to make sure everyone gets the episode title, is impossible. They also find the Ood, who are some odd slave-creatures with tentacles for mouths and who like to communicate telepathically.

So far, so creepy. But we then skulk around in the dark for 45 minutes, having the heebie-jeebies put into us, as it becomes apparent that there’s something rather scary and demonic buried below the surface of the planet – something that’s already having a rather scary effect on the Ood, as well as the inhabitants of the mining colony.

I really, really liked this one. There were some genuinely frightening moments that should hopefully still have younger viewers traumatised. Direction, set design, effects, dialogue, plotting: all were first rate. And for the first time since the show came back last year, there was some decent, atmospheric incidental music that didn’t make you cringe in despair.

Billie Piper finally relocated her acting talent this episode and turned in a fine performance. David Tennant** was on good action hero form, but it was also nice to see the Doctor getting to be all scientific for the first time in 20-odd years, de-stigmatising maths for school kids everywhere and thus bumping up the UK’s future GDP by a couple of points. The cliffhanger was a little drawn out, but the impending coming of the Beast from the pit was a fantastic ending all the same.

All in all, it seems, much like last year, that it’s not till around episode eight that the production team really manage to get their groove back. But when they do, they really can turn in some fine tele. Unlike last year, though, which had about two episodes that I would voluntarily watch again (maybe only one, actually), there’s four from this season that I’d happily watch again, so clearly they’re improving as well.

One last thing: it seems that if you want to someone to do the voice of Satan and you want it done right, you need to hire Gabriel Woolf. Last heard on Doctor Who as the voice of Sutekh in Pyramids of Mars (Sutekh/Set/Satan – you see?), a performance that scared the bejesus out the nation and Mary Whitehouse back in 1975, the delightful 73-year-old made a triumphantly scary return as the voice of the Beast. I think he needs to start voicing his own greetings card range. He’d make a fortune.

PS: Not sure what long-term Who fans are going to make of a third explanation for Satan on the show***, but frankly who cares?

Footnotes to avoid my relentless parenthetic text

*Tooth and Claw was of the horror genre but not especially horrifying, unless you find the idea of a man turning into a wolf horrifying. Which it isn’t.

David Tennant as Casanova** Sigh. Here you go.

*** Fourth if you count The Awakening