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Christmas tele

An Electric Monk

Douglas Adams once wrote about an Electric Monk. The idea of the Electric Monk was that it was a labour saving device. As Adams put it, just as a dishwasher is there to wash dishes so that you don’t have to, and a video recorder is there to watch TV programmes so that you don’t have to, so the Electric Monk believes things for you, so that you don’t have to.

That was in the 80s, of course. Cross out video recorder and replace it with PVR and you have the 00s truism. Still no Electric Monks though. Curses. I really would like to believe ITV will get better one day – or at least have someone believe it for me.

Sitting on my PVR/Apple TV are the Christmas editions of Extras (I’m a third of the way through it and not enjoying it tremendously) and To the Manor Born (haven’t watched it but I’ve heard terrible things about it) to name but a couple, as well as a multitude of movies that I thought worth watching. I didn’t have to watch much of The Mothman Prophecies to realise it wasn’t, but I’ve still to make that determination on a number of things.

Plus I’m still glad to have Firefox, Quatermass and the Pit and Hawk the Slayer there, even if I’ll never watch them. That’s nostalgia for you.

In part the reason everything’s sitting there unwatched is because some mad fools bought me DVDs for Christmas/birthday, so I had too much to watch. It’s also because I’m not spending all of Christmas watching TV, even if it is the complete box set of Airwolf or Ulysses 31 (or, and don’t go too wild, Artemis 81. I do put some odd things on my Amazon wish list sometimes).

But I did watch a little. And even though it’s a good fortnight on, I thought I’d leave a couple of thoughts for posterity on Christmas with Gordon Ramsay, Heston Blumenthal’s Perfect Christmas Dinner and Doctor Who‘s Voyage of the Damned (other reviews are available and have been for a good long while now).

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Audio and radio play reviews

Review: Doctor Who – Return to the Web Planet

Return to the Web Planet

Mention The Web Planet to almost any Who-er, and you’ll likely as not get a great big smirk in response. It was a story written in the Hartnell days before anyone really ‘knew’ what Doctor Who stories were supposed to be like. A rather brave attempt at hard SF, it involved the planet Vortis, a world populated entirely by various giant-sized species of insect and absolutely no humans other than the Doctor and his companions.

Yes, giant butterflies, ants and larvae on a budget of £2 7s 6d, back before anyone had anything like the technology to do it properly. You can imagine what it was like, even if you’ve never seen it. Go on, imagine it.

Tee hee.

Fortunately, audio plays don’t have this problem so Big Finish, throwing the fifth Doctor and Nyssa at the world of the Menoptera, Zarbi and Venom Grubs, can let their imaginations run wild, content in the knowledge that we’ll do the rest of the work.

Yet somehow, it’s almost impossible not to think one thought while listening to Return to the Web Planet: “Tee hee”.

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What would your Mastermind subject be?

Just caught tonight’s episode of Celebrity Mastermind with Danny Wallace, Nicholas Parsons, that bald veggie restauranteur and that Scottish one off Loose Women who looks like she’s sucking a wasp (and acts like it). An interesting collection of specialist subjects: the history of Tranmere Rovers; the life and works of Edward Lear; the lives of the Pankhurst women; and, erm, Ghostbusters. See if you can match the subject to the celebrity. It’ll be really easy.
Anyway, I got to pondering a couple of things. You see, there’s a thin line you have to tread with your specialist subject. Obviously, you have to be good at it for one thing. But there’s a kind of social snobbery with it. “What’s that? Your specialist subject is ‘Chantelle off Celebrity Big Brother‘? Okay… Mine’s the Aeneid and its relationship with medieval Latin poetry. Is that you fetching your coat?”
I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to go on with Ghostbusters as my specialist subject.
But I’m not sure what my specialist subject would have been. ‘TV’s a little too broad. ‘US TV’ would confine me to a dungeon of Dallas, Dynasty and Dawson’s Creek, knowing my luck. ‘Doctor Who‘ really wouldn’t get me anywhere at all, since the questions would be set by someone who’s memorised every second line from the annuals and wants to know what kind of toy Davros used to entertain baby Daleks with. Plus it would be a bit nerdy. But picking a non-nerdy TV subject (eg Play for the Day, the works of Carla Lane, The Sopranos) carries with it all the joy of learning the Highway Code and eating your greens, and I don’t really have the time to brush up on four seasons of The Wire (fifth starting on Sunday).
So I’m still thinking.
How about you? What would your socially acceptable, TV-related specialist subject be?

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