US TV

An archive of articles about US television programmes and production.

US TV

Ultimate Force: Oh God. We’re rubbish

3 May 2006 Rob Buckley 19 Comments

I’ve been watching The Unit for a while now. It, of course, is based on – but for legal reasons, isn’t actually about – the US’s Delta Force special forces unit. It’s a hard, manly series exec produced by David Mamet. After a cracking pilot episode written by Mamet, the series dipped a bit, but is right back on target (did you see what I did there?), thanks in particular to some nifty scripts by Lynn Mamet, David Mamet’s sister. It’s not fantastically realistic, but it’s still pretty enjoyable.

But on Saturday evening, Ultimate Force returned to our screens for its fourth season. Ultimate Force stars Ross Kemp as the leader of an SAS unit and it’s supposed to be hard and manly as well. So I tuned in to compare and contrast our depiction of our most daring crack troops with the US’s depiction of theirs.

Oh sweet merciful Jesus. We are rubbish. We are the laughing stock of the world.

I haven’t really watched ITV in a long time. Every time I have, it’s been like playing a Lottery scratchcard: most of the time, it’s a complete waste of time and money and a bitter disappointment. Occasionally, you might win a quid, but that’s the best you’ll ever do. And with respected writer Jimmy McGovern (Cracker) arguing that primetime ITV drama is rubbish, I wasn’t going to change my mind on that very soon. Nevertheless, duty called so I watched Ultimate Force.

I don’t think mere words can really convey just how bad it was. As Sam whotsit on The Guardian said on Monday, it’s impossible to watch without a massive smirk on your face the whole way through, it’s just so bad. So to convey our true awfulness when we actually try to compete with the US, I thought I would go for a photoroman approach, in the style of La Jetée (which I actually fell asleep during, so I can’t be sure this is very much like it).

This is Dennis Haysbert, the star of The Unit

Dennis Haysbert in The Unit

As I’m sure you’ll agree, a hard, manly man. Or at least convincing as a hard, manly man.

This is Ross Kemp

Ross Kemp in his pants

To quote the lovely Marie, “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA” .

Or if you prefer, “hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”

Now let’s look at The Unit‘s attempts to do abroad. I’ve already commented on this once but they’re getting better:

Rio de Janeiro

You could kind of believe that was a favella in the background, couldn’t you? Now let’s look at Ultimate Force‘s stab at ‘abroad’:

Ultimate Force's laughable attempt to do abroad

It’s a caravan site in the New Forest! They couldn’t even be bothered to use a real country! They’ve made one up. Dear God, we’re rubbish.

It’s just depressing. Any country insane enough to buy Ultimate Force is going to think Ross Kemp is the best action hero we’ve got! The Germans have more action-packed police shows than this: they have Der Puma – Kämpfer mit Herz and got Donnie Yen to direct the action sequences. We have Ross Kemp in his pants.

It’s disheartening to say the least.

Lost reviews

3 May 2006 Rob Buckley Post a comment

I did warn you all that you weren’t going to get answers. Bloody Lost.

“Remember what happened last time round, how empty and cheated you felt at the end? What makes you think it’ll be any different this time? It’s televisual crack, you know it is. ‘I can handle it,’ you’ll keep telling yourself. You can’t though. Just say no.”

Sam Wollaston, The Guardian

“Throughout last night’s two episodes, the programme’s existing mysteries remained as mysterious – and numerous – as ever.”

James Walton, The Daily Telegraph

“Already the dependency is as bad as ever.”

Thomas Sutcliffe, The Independent

“Personally, I couldn’t bear to go on to watch episode two of Lost, which followed on straight afterwards.”

Peter Paterson, Daily Mail

“Lost appears to be scripted by a team of lawyers, who answer every question with a 10-page booklet of further questions.”

Matt Baylis, Daily Express and Daily Star

US TV

CSI: Miami – Horatio’s in 18th Century love

3 May 2006 Rob Buckley Post a comment

He’s got the name for it, so why should it be so unexpected that CSI Miami‘s Horatio Caine is in love – 18th Century style.

Horatio in Love

Horatio’s just proposed marriage (sorry, UK viewer, but I just had to ‘spoil’ you there. Relax. You know exactly how it’s going to work out). Ah. How lovely. But do you think it odd that he’s proposed marriage to a woman he’s not even been seen to hug or kiss once? Her holding his arm (above) just after he proposes to her is the most intimate those two have got in the half-season they’ve been together.

Weird, huh? Now clearly actually having to show signs of affection would both stretch David Caruso’s ‘acting’ abilities and be a sign of weakness that all the other boys in the 10th grade would mock him for. In fact, it would be almost impossible for criminals to respect Caine if he’d actually been seen to kiss a woman.

But I think in this modern day and age, we could cope with the occasional embrace at least. At the moment, Horatio’s acting more like a creepy squire, marrying his young ward to inherit her estate, rather than a fiancé.

Still, at least they haven’t quite sunk to the level of Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold, in which Sharon Stone runs around after her fiancé, the eponymous Allan Quatermain, shouting ‘Quatermain! Quatermain!’ (you’re going to get married, soon. Call him Allan, love). That would be bad.

News

I pity the fool who doesn’t watch this reality TV show

2 May 2006 Rob Buckley 1 Comment

Mr TGood old Mr T has just landed his own reality TV show. Apparently, he’s going to be a ‘Dr Phil’-like self-help guru who’s going to aid everyday people in their daily lives. Car salesman not meeting his quota? Mr T will help sort it out. Fabulous.

Also coming soon is Back to the Grind, in which actors get to do the jobs of the characters that made them famous. Top of the list is Erik Estrada from CHiPS, who’s going to be a California Highway patrolman. Go Poncherello, go!

US TV

He may love Doctor Who, but he’s clearly never watched Sex and the City

30 April 2006 Rob Buckley Post a comment

Sex And The City“Sex and the City. Write it like Sex and the City. Imagine it’s Samantha and Carrie arguing over a man.” Those, according to last night’s Doctor Who Confidential, were the instructions given to Toby Whithouse, the writer of last night’s episode of Doctor Who, by executive producer Russell T Davies on how to write Rose and Sarah Jane’s scenes together.

And thus is exposed the lie of another stereotype about gay men: that they all love Sex and the City. Here we have evidence of at least one that’s not really watched it at all.

RTD: you may love Doctor Who, but I have to tell you now, you clearly don’t understand Sex and the City.

I have through a process of osmosis, watched every single episode of the show and I’ve even been made to go on the Sex and the City tour in New York (which is really bad, so don’t go on it. The coach turned up three hours late for starters…), so I can tell you authoritatively that Samantha and Carrie would never fight over a man. Even in the pilot episode when they’re both after Big, there’s no fight. Sorry.

That could all have gone pear-shaped if Toby had followed your instructions.