Torchwood 1×4 – Cyberwoman

Torchwood



Better, no? Still tinged with a certain amount of pants-ness and the acting is getting noticeably worse, but still better than the last two episodes anyway.

Re: the swearing. If they actually swore consistently – or went for it full-on like proper Welsh people – I’m not sure it would be an issue for anyone, except those who don’t like swearing. At the moment, every time someone swears, it’s like someone in the middle of the set holds up a placard with “Bum” written on it.

Nevertheless, at least it’s improving.




  • Mark H Wilkinson

    No.
    No, no, no, no, no.
    And no.
    But this was nice:
    Under Torch Wood: A parody for voices by Verity Stob.

  • I said it was better, not good. There’s a difference…
    I’m just trying to stay optimistic.

  • Dear holy God, it was awful. The sight of John Barrowman with a flamethrower in one hand and a bottle of barbeque sauce in the other, and a 36D Cyberwoman (with high-heeled Cyberboots to go with the Cyberboobies) fending off a badly-CGI’d pterodactyl will stay with me forever, for all the wrong reasons.
    See, I’d assumed that it was stupid to have Ianto as just being the teaboy, and that he was actually a stone-cold killer who ‘cleaned up’ after them. Either that, or he was secretly in love with Jack, and that’d be a source of storyline in future. But no! He really was just a teaboy! And with a cybergirlfriend too! And a complete inability to act!
    And let’s examine the cybergirlfriend thing for a minute, shall we? First of all, the Cybermen didn’t have time to do the brain transplant conversions… so they designed, on the fly, a piece-by-piece conversion which leaves body parts intact and requires a cyberbra? And high-heeled Cyberboots? And a thong with an electrode down the front? What?
    And exactly how much suspending-disbelief is required that teaboy Ianto can get an entire cyberconversion unit, with half-dead cyberwoman who requires constant life support, from London to Cardiff, install it in the basement on his own (including the wirry-blades thing), and get it working, and nobody notices?
    And why did Cybertits suddenly become homicidal and electric-voiced when she hadn’t been before? Was she pretending all that time? Can she switch the electro-voice on and off? Cos she wasn’t doing it when Expendable Japanese Stereotype hoicked her off the table.
    (Oh, and the EJS’s conversion-gone-wrong makeup wasn’t that good. Stop zooming in on it.)
    And when did Jack get the personality transplant to homicidal maniac? And would the others really remain working for him once they’d seen him point a gun at their teaboy friend, who’s helpless with grief, and demand that he execute his girlfriend?
    And there’s Cybertits with her exposed face, and highly-trained marksman Jack standing facing her, and he doesn’t go for a head shot?
    And who thought ripping off the pathetic end of the pathetic Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein ?��Ǩ���?Ǭ�you know, the bit with Helena Bonobo-Carter with plastic scarring ?��Ǩ���?Ǭ�was a good idea? Or was it The Man With Two Brains Chibnall was ripping off, with the screw-top skull brain transplant? And didn’t he notice that was a comedy?
    And how come Jack’s magic wrist gadget that isn’t a sonic screwdriver at all, no, can undo the clamps on Gwen’s wrists but none of the other locks?
    MInd you, all of that pales into insignificance when compared with the plastic Cyberwoman, covered in barbeque sauce, fending off a badly-CGI’d pterodactly, while a hammy welshman who looks a bit like Quentin Tarantino-gone-wronger yells ‘HAVE SOME FUCKING MERCY’ from the slowest lift in the world.
    Awful. Awful. Awful. But very, very funny. All it needed was Marty Feldman calling Cybertits ‘Abby Normal’ and it would have topped Young Frankenstein.

  • All very good points, some of which occurred to me while I was watching it, too. Much like Nixon’s impeachers, I gave up trying to find flaws after about the 350th, though.
    However, within the Torchwood milieu, where all such arseness is a given, it was one of the better eps, I reckon, on the general grounds that it wasn’t boring beyond belief (episode three) or completely derivative (episode two), just partly derivative. Small consolation, I know, but with Torchwood, you do have to take your moments of enjoyment where you find them.

  • Mark H Wilkinson

    Yes, I understood that. Unlike the Grintites I do have a reasonable grasp of comparatives.

  • I wasn’t sure which thing you were saying no to.

  • I’ll watch this week’s because of PJ Hammond, but if they screw that up, I probably won’t bother with the rest.
    This is all rather worrying, from a Doctor Who point of view. If RTD hands the show over to Chibnall when he leaves, it’s doomed.

  • If they can mess up a Hammond script, they’re screwed. The trailer doesn’t exactly make it look promising, although you can spot a few Hammond-esque concepts in there. I’ll probably watch it out of necessity, rather than because I’m enjoying it loads (it was the last thing I watched out of my post-US tele backlog).
    Suspect RTD will hand control over to Phil Collinson instead of Chibnall if/when he leaves. On the other hand, remove all the adult stuff from Torchwood and it would be okay as new Who, so it might not be an absolute disaster if he did.

  • I was hoping for Stephen Moffatt to take over, myself. By far the best writer on the team, has a very good grasp of what the show is about, and he’s been a showrunner before.
    More likely to be Collinson, though.

  • I’d hope for Moffatt as well, but I suspect he’s not the kind of guy who puts himself forward for things and might not want the stress of the job anymore. I think RTD would very much have to come to him and ask very nicely, for him to be up for the job.

  • Craig

    What adult stuff in Torchwood? There’s a bit of violence, some swearing and some ‘sex’. Get rid of that and I don’t think you’d have OK new Who?��Ǩ���you’d just have a crap TV show that’s more suitable for kids. New Who’s hardly been consistent, to say the least, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the horrible mess that is Torchwood.

  • Okay, should have said ‘adult’ instead of adult. Generally meant the stuff that kids aren’t allowed to watch, rather than stuff that adults actually want to watch.
    The better episodes of Torchwood – erm, maybe episode one and this one, but you know… – are at least as good as ‘Fear Her’, ‘New Earth’ and ‘Aliens of London’. They’re not brilliant, but they’re still not the absolute worst pieces of the new Who/Torchwood universe. That would be episode two of Torchwood.

  • I’m just going to mention again how much I love New Earth. And I’ve seen it twice, so I am sure.
    But anyway, the problem with Torchwood is that it’s Doctor Who without the Doctor, the TARDIS, the time travel, or any locations other than Cardiff. Saying “fuck” a lot isn’t going to help that.

  • Mark H Wilkinson

    I’m not sure one can simply dismiss this as Who’n’swearin’n’shaggin’ insofar as it’s really quite difficult to classify, judged on the episodes to date. The tone and format’s very uneven and there’s been little development for most of the characters — and I don’t think Cyberwoman does a great favour for Ianto here in that regard as we’d seen too little of him or his exploits to really care one way or the other. Like Suzie’s heel turn, why should this stranger’s emo moment touch us?
    That’s really the biggest problem for me at present. I could accept enormous amounts of illogic or plot-holes if I’d warmed to the characters sufficiently; and that’s not happened yet.

  • It might help i there were any consistency whatsoever in the way the characters were portrayed. But there isn’t. They might as well be completely different people with every episode.
    Except that Gwen is reliably stupid and Tosh is reliably boring.

  • I’m with you on the ‘better’ but not great score. It was an improvement (of sorts) but still short of quality. I commented here.
    PS missed ya. Only just had chance to recheck your return.

  • “missed ya”
    Aw, shucks, you’ll make me blush!

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