UK TV

Review: Doctor Who – 2×12 – Army of Ghosts

Army of Ghosts

And thus season two of the new Doctor Who begins to crank itself up for the finale, while simultaneously winding itself down. There was good, there was bad, there was ugly. But, in contrast to the last few episodes, there was far more good than there was bad this time.

Doctor and Rose return to Earth in the “present day” and drop in on Rose’s mum, Jackie. As it happens, Jackie’s waiting for the scheduled appearance of her dead father. As you do. Needless to say, when a ghost turns up as predicted, the Doctor isn’t totally convinced he’s what she thinks she is and tries to work out what’s actually going on.

He eventually narrows down the source of the ‘ghost’ activity to Canary Wharf and Torchwood, the launch site of the new spin-off TV series a top secret government institute that investigates alien artefacts. There we find a ‘Void Ship’ of mysterious origin and before you know it, a bunch of cyber agents who have infiltrated our universe from the parallel universe we saw in The Age of Steel. Using the hole in the universe created by the arrival of the Void Ship, the cybermen manage to bring their entire army over into our reality. The world is theirs.

But wait! The Void Ship isn’t cyber-technology. Inside are… a bunch of Daleks. Cue end titles.

So all in all, very exciting. The usual RTD hallmarks were on display – cameos by people from other TV shows (not all of which were awful); movie references; ‘typical’ teenage behaviour (Here’s me washing, Mum!); very sly continuity references (“The Eternals call it ‘the Howling’.” Those would be the Eternals from the Peter Davison story Enlightenment and also from the 2005 Doctor Who Annual), etc, etc. But while the Ghostbusters bit was excruciating, the rest of it was actually kind of fun and forgivable.

David Tennant was giving a relatively calm performance this time round and Billie Piper had a return to form, finally getting something to do that was all about Rose. Graeme Harper did a reasonable job of directing but not outstanding – I don’t feel he’s quite had the dark story he needs to really show off his stuff. Murray Gold still can’t do incidental music. Oh well. But all in all, pretty good.

Now for the niggles. The plot was full of holes, which can be forgiven. But… Torchwood built Canary Wharf to investigate to the anomaly in the sky. So where the hell was the Void Ship all this time? Just lurking there in the sky? Funny, I’m pretty sure most of London would have spotted it. Or did Torchwood somehow manage to carry the ship back up to the top of Canary Wharf (even though they can’t touch it) once they’d built it, with presumably the Void Ship lurking in East London in a pub or something until it was time to come up. And how come Torchwood was telling everyone when it was going to conduct its experiments so there would be ghost forecasts? Renovation work on Canary Wharf? It’s not that old and wouldn’t Torchwood’s director know about it. And wouldn’t the Cybermen have come through the anomaly and be spotted? And, and…

But any Who plot has problems when exposed to the cold light of day, so let’s not get too caught up in that.

The Cybermen. Obviously going to turn up so no surprise there, but they’re still just not as scary as they should be. They’re too friendly looking. You want something that has a stench of the graveyard about it, really. Instead, we get flares and a friendly face. Not good. Still, there’s enough of them to be frightening: one cabbage patch kid isn’t frightening; 10,000 cabbage patch kids coming to get you – very frightening.

So actually a pretty good episode. Could have been better, but actually not bad. Now for a few notes:

Mickey: Nice to see him back. I had a vague inkling we were being led up the garden path on that one. Consider this. The return of the Cybermen was inevitable. They wouldn’t be this universe’s Cybermen, so it would have to be the new-look Cybies. That means there was a way for Mickey to come back. Couple that with the fact that in the Mickey send-off retrospective, Doctor Who Confidential didn’t once ask Noel Clarke what he was going to be doing next and there’s been no media blitz at all on that subject (unlike Piper) and it just suggested to me that he might be coming back. Mickey for the new companion anyone (now that whatserface that The Sun suggested has been dispatched into the sky)?

Piper: Still not sure she’s leaving. Still convinced this is a bluff, although the return of Mickey does make it more unlikely. After all, if she’s dead yet mysteriously on a seashore, how can she be narrating? Or is she in Heaven? Or, as Marie suggests, on the other side of the portal? She’ll be back at some point. Maybe she’s in Hell, as suggested by The Satan Pit. Maybe it’ll be like Search for Spock next year, with the Doctor trying to find a way back to the other universe.

The Daleks: Saw them coming. Sorry. A fun cliffhanger all the same.

Now there have been some complaints about the Daleks coming back. But they Daleks had to feature, I’m afraid. Here’s why:

Firstly, every Doctor has to meet the old enemies as soon as possible or else you end up like Jon Pertwee, Paul McGann and Christopher Eccleston and not get a single Cyberman story – or, indeed, like Paul McGann and not get a Dalek story at all (see Footnote 1). With CE buggering off ASAP last year, getting DT to meet the Daleks was vital.

Secondly, the Daleks are the Doctor’s arch nemesis. You can only be an arch nemesis if you turn up regularly, despite all previous attempts to kill you. Otherwise, you’re rubbish. And since we’re looking at a new generation of kids who don’t really know that the Daleks are the Doctor’s arch nemesis yet because they’ve only had one series to work with, the Daleks absolutely had to be in this series as well to make kids understand all other enemies come second to the Daleks.

The important third point is that they’re necessary for the plot – or what I imagine the plot to be. If you think I’m likely to be on to something with my theory (which given my track record is unlikely), that it won’t be blindingly obvious and don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read any further.

Footnotes

1) Technically, Paul McGann did get a Dalek story since they appear in voice over at the very beginning of Doctor Who: The Movie. Also Pertwee meets the Cybermen in The Five Doctors. Plus there are all those Big Finish audios where Paul McGann meets both Cybermen and Daleks. But they don’t count really. It’s just not the same, I tell you.

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US TV

Review: Blade 1×1 (US: Spike TV; UK: Bravo)

As you all know from yesterday’s blog, Bravo has bought the rights to air Blade: The Series in the UK. The first episode aired on Wednesday on Spike TV in the US. I’ve watched it and can now reliably inform you that it isn’t that good. Did you see that one coming?

Starring Kirk ‘Sticky’ Jones (aka Sticky Fingaz), presumably because he knows a little kickboxing and looks a bit like Wesley Snipes, Blade is a continuation of the movies. I would elaborate about the pilot’s plot but it adds nothing that you haven’t seen in the Blade movies already, bar the introduction of the series’ new characters: an Asian guy to help Blade; the big bad English vampire villain (Neil Jackson, last spotted in Sugar Rush); and a woman (Jill Wagner, a commercials model in her first acting role) who’s looking for the people who killed her brother. Naturally, those people turn out to be the vampires. Then – shock, horror – she gets turned into a vampire. Oh what will Blade do? What a dilemma!

But no one will actually be watching Blade for anything other fights and potential girl-on-girl lesbian vampire action so why waste time on plot description? Let’s get down to the ‘important’ stuff.

  • Martial arts: pretty average; some very obvious wire work; mostly kickboxing with a couple of locks added for good measure. Where’s Wesley with his capoeira when you need him?
  • Girl-on-girl action: not much at all – just a vaguely implied desire to kiss at one point. Sorry guys. Jill Wagner’s quite good looking though if that’s any consolation.

So basically, 90 minutes of wasted time. Naturally, though, the pilot got the highest ever ratings for Spike TV for an original series premiere, with 2.5 million tuning in. Tune in next week for more of the same.

Third-episode verdict: Saved and Windfall

I’ve reviewed the first episodes of Saved and Windfall already. They’ve now passed the third episode stage so as is tradition round here, I’ll give you my (brief) verdicts on whether you should stick with them:

Saved: Less dark now, still not much fun, less interesting than it was. Probably not worth soldiering on with if you have any doubts.

Windfall: Has now succumbed to every cliché and obvious plot development possible. Save yourself: don’t watch it!

Oh well. I’m just going to have to start looking for the next great US TV show again, now. Sigh.

UK TV

Review: The F-Word 2×1

Gordon Ramsay's F-Word

The F Word is back on our screens. I’ve struggled manfully on several occasions to get into the audience, but failed totally, mainly because I was too lazy to fill in the questionnaire. I’m kind of glad I failed now.

I mused a while back when the return of the second series was first mooted about what tweaks they were going to make to the format. I couldn’t work out what they were going to do to invigorate it. Turns out, they couldn’t either and didn’t do any better than I did. You see the tweaks seem to be

  • Get rid of Giles Coren – not a totally awful idea but he served a useful “consumer reporting” purpose
  • Get rid of everyone whose surname isn’t Ramsay or who doesn’t work in Gordon’s restaurants
  • Give Gordon a chance to insult some other chefs, which he does at every possible opportunity anyway
  • Add a bit more Hell’s Kitchen

Not really much original thought there, huh?

In particular, the removal of the first series’ competition in favour of the Hell’s Kitchen elements has definitely been a move for the worse. The reason I wanted to get into the audience of the first series was that they got to eat food prepared by chefs from his kitchens, as well as by a few enterprising junior chefs from other kitchens who wanted a job working for Gordon Ramsay. Each week, he’d decide who would go on to the next round and in the final episode, the winner got the job after a bake off. Nice idea, really.

This time round, Gordon just gets to shout at non-chefs while they find out what life in a kitchen is like. What’s the point of that? They don’t really gain anything apart from “an experience” and a good slagging off at the end of it. And as for the second series’ audience, all they get is to suffer poor service and bad food, get insulted by Gordon occasionally and then decide whether the food was edible enough to pay for. You can see why I’m not so keen on the idea of joining them any more, can’t you?

The rest of the show is still pretty much the same, just variations on the previous series’ themes at most. Gordon going round blokes’ houses to teach them how to cook, instead of going round women’s houses. No more turkeys being reared for slaughter; hello pigs being reared for slaughter (the animal lover in me is both pleased and appalled). Similar but different. Different but similar.

And while some of the better elements of the show have been replaced with worse ideas, some of the poorer elements are still in there. Whatever you think of Gordon as a chef, one thing he’s not is a celebrity interviewer – he makes Davina look like Parkie. When faced with Cliff “easy listening” Richard, all Gordon could was try to goad him into swearing. Nice.

Of the returning elements, the wine-tasting was a corker, though, and seeing Janet Street-Porter beat Gordon at the cook-off again was more than worth the hour I invested in the show.

All in all, a few more recipes, a bit more variety and a bit more fun would have been far better ways to improve the show than simply giving Gordon more chances to insult people.

Still, overnight ratings for the show are pretty good, according to the Media Guardian (registration required), with the show getting the highest ratings of its time slot. Combined with Big Brother and Property Ladder, The F Word gave Channel 4 its second-highest rated night of the year so far. So what do I know?

PS The theme, by the way, is The F-Word by Babybird, as regular blog readers already know.

PPS Paul Jackson, the ITV exec who was trying to poach Ramsay from Channel 4, has described the new series of the show as “a pile of poo”.

“I am not alone in thinking that he has injected a lot of Hell’s Kitchen into the middle of the show.”

For once, an ITV exec has said something sensible. Amazing.

PPPS Can’t believe I missed the return of Property Ladder! Repeat after me aspiring property developers: “Listen to the Beeny”. She knows what she’s doing: you don’t!

US TV

Review: Kyle XY 1×1

Kylexyopener

Normally, there’s nothing quite like the word ‘family’ (as in ‘a family show’) to inspire fear in the heart of any seasoned TV watcher. In general, ‘family’ equates to inoffensive, moralising, bland and unchallenging. When you have a whole network with ‘family’ in the title – as in ABC Family – you can pretty much write off its entire output as the visual equivalent of Saga magazine. Once in a while though, a programme comes along to buck the trend. Not much, but a little.

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