How to deal with critics

David Tennant in CasanovaBear with me: this is going to take a little time. I will intersperse David Tennant pictures with the text to keep you going on this journey.

Yesterday, a new arrival at this blog, Little Laura Jones (henceforth known as LLJ), advanced a postulate.

you ppl are PATHETIC!!

Actually, that wasn’t the one I meant, although it’s still an interesting take on things. No, she took umbrage at various comments that suggested maybe David Tennant shouldn’t shout so much.

dnt see u lot writing tv programmes or plays and i dnt see u starring in them either! so i dnt think u hav a right to bring the programme down

It’s an interesting theory. At initial glance, it doesn’t make much sense, since it would apparently suggest that only people who write and star in TV programmes or plays are able to decide whether a TV programme is good or bad, or whether an actor should shout his lines or not. Poor producers. Poor directors – I imagine it’s going to make their job so much harder with this new ruling.

David Tennant in CasanovaWhat if we extrapolate? Only MPs can decide who should be elected, because they’re the only ones who understand the intricacies of elections? Only someone who’s been in the Big Brother house can vote on who should be evicted? Only musicians can choose which records not to buy, since not buying a record is tacit criticism of it? GCSE English Literature and GCSE Media Studies will be banned in LLJ’s scheme of things until those taking the subject have developed their own corpus in the particular medium they’re studying. A blessing, maybe?

Tricky, isn’t it? Surely she can’t mean that? How can society function without freedom of speech?

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a solution to this impasse. We will be free once again.

Clearly, I can’t suggest a solution since my few appearances on TV, rubbish film and TV scripts that I wrote 15 years ago and my very poor turn in The Merchant of Venice don’t really count in the scheme of things.

Uwe BollNo, the only person who can come up with a solution has to be someone who has written scripts that have been developed into a creative work that others might have seen.

There is such a person. He has a solution. He will save us.

Thank God for Dr Uwe Boll.

Dr Boll is tired. He’s tired of critics. He’s particularly tired of Internet critics, who snipe at such magnificent films as BloodRayne and House of the Dead. While he regards himself as being on a par with Sergio Leone and David Lynch, the critical world has chosen to disagree with him, suggesting among other things, that his films are so bad, they make directors of other bad films feel good about themselves:

The other practitioners of cinematic drivel can rest a little easier now; they can walk in the daylight with their heads held high, a smile on their lips and a song in their hearts. “It’s okay,” they’ll tell themselves. “I didn’t make Alone in the Dark.”

David Tennant in CasanovaDr Boll’s solution, until now, has been to accuse critics of being “…guys writing all the Internet bullshit about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything.”

But now Uwe’s come up with the perfect solution to our dilemma.

He’s challenged his critics to a boxing match.

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or have written in magazines/newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered.

You’ll also have to weigh between 140 and 190 pounds.

David Tennant in CasanovaSo there we have it. The solution. Even if you haven’t made a movie, TV show or play, you can still criticise a performed work if you’re willing to get into the boxing ring to sort it out. Praise the Lord!

As a result of this ruling, I will carry on blogging and passing comment, as I suspect will everyone else, with the sure and certain understanding that Russell T Davies or David Tennant can challenge me to a boxing match if they really object to anything. If I win, I’m right; if they win, I’m wrong.

David Tennant in CasanovaNow, just in case you haven’t grasped some of the implications of this, and remembering that David Tennant is a gentleman who would never hit a girl: If anyone here criticises David Tennant’s acting and tendency to shout, they have a good chance of getting into a boxing ring and seeing David Tennant wearing nothing but boxing shorts. Will anyone do such a thing? How many times with the referee have to prise the two fighters apart if it happens? Comments please…

  • I’m sorry, I just appeared to black out there with… erm… I’m sorry, my brain appears unable to concentrate. Did someone mention boxing shorts…?
    [the sound of Rullsenberg falling to the floor again]

  • I’m sorry, I just appeared to black out there with… erm… I’m sorry, my brain appears unable to concentrate. Did someone mention boxing shorts…?
    [the sound of Rullsenberg falling to the floor again]

  • In fact I’m so dizzy I managed to send that comment through twice.
    Oooh… boxing shorts…

  • Rob Buckley

    Did you hit your head when you landed? You should have a Doctor see to that.

  • Haha, brilliant.
    But I confess I am now feeling immense pressure. I don’t tend to be very critical of books I read. But I am an author. Does this make me duty-bound to become a literary critic? Maybe this gives me a spare Criticism Credit that I could pass on to some eager deserving fellow. How much should I charge?
    P.S. It’s not really true that I’m not critical. I am. Horribly so. It keeps getting worse. But I worry about hurting other writers’ feelings. So I keep schtum. Is this the flaw in the Only Players May Mock theory? Because apart from that, it seems watertight.

  • Rob Buckley

    I think you’re on to something. If we’re going to bypass Dr Boll’s magnificent solution, some kind of Criticism Credit Trading Scheme could form an alternative solution. If it works for Carbon emissions, I’m sure it can work for all kinds of other things, too.
    I say let the market find the correct prices for sarcasm, deconstruction and vegetable pelting. Soon, we’ll have a futures market in criticism, so that producers can set up their own hedge funds against gratuitous abuse by tabloids, for instance. Genius!

  • ur intitle to hav ur oppinion. but ur comments ur goin too far!
    Going too far! 😀 Think of the children! Won’t someone please think of the children!?
    Is there some sort of DT-sharia that you’ve gone against here?
    Anyway – I thought the Satan Pit was poor in comparison to the Impossible Planet. The pattern of a great emotional buildup followed by a zero-logic narrative resolution was maintained. Smashing jars? Fucking hell. That was going too far.

  • Rob Buckley

    Thank you! I knew there would be others of sense round here. Stupid resolution to an excellent start. Curse them.
    DT is a sensitive man. Clearly he needs protection against Internet suggestions that his performance might benefit from being toned down a little at times. A line of abusive mobile-phone using teenage girls, three ranks deep is clearly the best way to do this. Otherwise, the rage will fill him, he’ll turn green and David will SMASH.

  • Laura Jones

    I didnt think my comment would go this far, i didnt mean tht only actors can decide whether it was good or not. i think i might of phrased it wrong. wot i mean was ( and this might be a longshot frm what i was trying to get at) untill ur in tht possition of an actor, then u wuldnt kno wot it is like (obviously) but im sorry if my comment offended anybody. and i didnt think my comment wuld go tht far. maybe the satan pit wasnt to everyones likeing. but like i said before im sorry if it offended anyone because i phrased it wrong.

  • Well, thank you! You’re very kind to apologise, whether it’s needed or not, and I think we all respect you for that and appreciate it.
    I would say though – and merely as advice rather than rebuke – that assuming that anyone might have taken offence at your comments, they would more probably have done so for “you ppl are PATHETIC!!” rather than for a selective ruling on your part against the role of armchair critics in modern discursive society.
    Just a thought.
    I’m not sure I can entirely agree with your suggestion, though. While there’s something to be said for the viewpoint that only an actor can truly know what it’s like to act, surely the point of acting (or at least dramatic acting on television. There are plenty of arguments to be made about other forms of acting and genre) is to convince the audience that the actor is genuinely feeling the emotions his character should be feeling in that situation. If the audience aren’t convinced, then whether the actor thinks that’s the right way to play his part or not is surely irrelevant – he’s wrong, they’re right, since he’s playing on their terms, not vice versa. He can try the other way round, be ahead of his time and have to wait for society to catch up and throw plaudits in his direction if he wants, of course, but that’s another discussion.
    While there’s also probably ample room for debates about whether an alien would feel or exhibit emotions in the same way as humans, the changing conventions of dramatic acting on television and so on, I think there is at least a growing general consensus that David Tennant is starting to shout his lines too much and if he could generally calm down his delivery, everybody would be much happier.

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  • christine

    of course im new ere n id just like 2 say I LOVE DAVID TENNANT!!!!!!!!!!!(screamed at the top of her voice)

  • There’s a lot of it about!
    Welcome and enjoy your visit 😉

  • Anonymous

    yey (screams at the top of her voice)I LOVE DAVID TENNANT!!!!!! HES SOOOOOO DAMN SEXY!!!!!!!! there we go i sed it tho now i need a doctor 4 a new voicebox…… (shouts)DAVID!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    i love posting comments….everybody dus… well ere we go…. im gunna c david tennant in august at blackpool n c him swich on the lites is anybody going?coz i am!!!lol n ill get his autograph of course!soz i like 2 buzz……..everybody dus…..and ere we go agen.soz im talking cheesy ere….real cheesy….(shivers)

  • This is a bit of an old entry so I’m not sure many people (other than me) will be watching. You can try asking in today’s news

  • anon

    i love david tennant.have for ages, but to see him in one of my favourite shows is excellent. to me, david is like the british/tv version of johnny depp, he(david) always looks so hot! Bring on more series of the tenth doctor:)