How to deal with critics

David Tennant in CasanovaBear with me: this is going to take a little time. I will intersperse David Tennant pictures with the text to keep you going on this journey.

Yesterday, a new arrival at this blog, Little Laura Jones (henceforth known as LLJ), advanced a postulate.

you ppl are PATHETIC!!

Actually, that wasn’t the one I meant, although it’s still an interesting take on things. No, she took umbrage at various comments that suggested maybe David Tennant shouldn’t shout so much.

dnt see u lot writing tv programmes or plays and i dnt see u starring in them either! so i dnt think u hav a right to bring the programme down

It’s an interesting theory. At initial glance, it doesn’t make much sense, since it would apparently suggest that only people who write and star in TV programmes or plays are able to decide whether a TV programme is good or bad, or whether an actor should shout his lines or not. Poor producers. Poor directors – I imagine it’s going to make their job so much harder with this new ruling.

David Tennant in CasanovaWhat if we extrapolate? Only MPs can decide who should be elected, because they’re the only ones who understand the intricacies of elections? Only someone who’s been in the Big Brother house can vote on who should be evicted? Only musicians can choose which records not to buy, since not buying a record is tacit criticism of it? GCSE English Literature and GCSE Media Studies will be banned in LLJ’s scheme of things until those taking the subject have developed their own corpus in the particular medium they’re studying. A blessing, maybe?

Tricky, isn’t it? Surely she can’t mean that? How can society function without freedom of speech?

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a solution to this impasse. We will be free once again.

Clearly, I can’t suggest a solution since my few appearances on TV, rubbish film and TV scripts that I wrote 15 years ago and my very poor turn in The Merchant of Venice don’t really count in the scheme of things.

Uwe BollNo, the only person who can come up with a solution has to be someone who has written scripts that have been developed into a creative work that others might have seen.

There is such a person. He has a solution. He will save us.

Thank God for Dr Uwe Boll.

Dr Boll is tired. He’s tired of critics. He’s particularly tired of Internet critics, who snipe at such magnificent films as BloodRayne and House of the Dead. While he regards himself as being on a par with Sergio Leone and David Lynch, the critical world has chosen to disagree with him, suggesting among other things, that his films are so bad, they make directors of other bad films feel good about themselves:

The other practitioners of cinematic drivel can rest a little easier now; they can walk in the daylight with their heads held high, a smile on their lips and a song in their hearts. “It’s okay,” they’ll tell themselves. “I didn’t make Alone in the Dark.”

David Tennant in CasanovaDr Boll’s solution, until now, has been to accuse critics of being “…guys writing all the Internet bullshit about me and sitting in their houses where mommy pays for everything.”

But now Uwe’s come up with the perfect solution to our dilemma.

He’s challenged his critics to a boxing match.

Towards the end of the filming of Postal, the five most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra/stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10-bout match. There will be five matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All five fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or have written in magazines/newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered.

You’ll also have to weigh between 140 and 190 pounds.

David Tennant in CasanovaSo there we have it. The solution. Even if you haven’t made a movie, TV show or play, you can still criticise a performed work if you’re willing to get into the boxing ring to sort it out. Praise the Lord!

As a result of this ruling, I will carry on blogging and passing comment, as I suspect will everyone else, with the sure and certain understanding that Russell T Davies or David Tennant can challenge me to a boxing match if they really object to anything. If I win, I’m right; if they win, I’m wrong.

David Tennant in CasanovaNow, just in case you haven’t grasped some of the implications of this, and remembering that David Tennant is a gentleman who would never hit a girl: If anyone here criticises David Tennant’s acting and tendency to shout, they have a good chance of getting into a boxing ring and seeing David Tennant wearing nothing but boxing shorts. Will anyone do such a thing? How many times with the referee have to prise the two fighters apart if it happens? Comments please…