In the US: Mondays, 10pm, CBS
In the UK: Five, Five US, Living, etc, whenever they get round to it
Characters re-cast: 0
Major characters gotten rid of: 0
Major new characters: 0.5
Format change percentage: 15%
New relatives: 1
Behold the Carusobot. All hail the Carusobot. It has returned. It stands at odd angles. It delivers bad lines slowly and oddly. It stands still and expects the whole world to move around it.
It is a miracle of modern science.
Compared to last season’s opener, which was a true idiot fest, albeit an extremely glossy action-packed piece of rubbish, CSI: Miami‘s sixth season opener was far more subdued and nowhere near as stupid. That’s not to say it wasn’t stupid at all, because it clearly was. It’s just lost a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain CSI: Miami-ish quality.
All the ingredients were there. Stupid dialogue, stupid plot, stupid use of forensic science. We have thin, gossamery bits of fabric able to save people from two storey falls. We have private investigators who look like they’ve been airbrushed and are dressed in that most practical of garments, the tight white skirt, wandering out into the middle of the Everglades and searching through rubbish without getting a hint of dirt of themselves. We have long-lost sons suddenly turning up. We have so many armed police and armed criminals shooting at each, you’d think they had shares in an ammunitions manufacturer.
That’s crime, Miami-style.
Yet, changes seem to be afoot. Ryan Wolfe, disgraced CSI, hasn’t been returned to duty. Wot no reboot? How odd. We’ve had one regular moved over to uniform and an old incidental (and far more photogenic) character move up to take his place. There’s a romance going on and one of the other CSIs is ever so jealous about it. There are even hints of another relationship.
Character development? What’s up with the world?
Then, of course, good old Horatio, moral arbiter and dispenser of justice, turns out to have a crimo son (thankfully, one who doesn’t quite share his hair colour). How will Mr Binary Morality deal with it? The Carusobot only has one convincing expression, so badly, it turns out. He looks like a puppy who’s had a bucket of water poured on him.
I dare say that in the upcoming episodes, things will revert to normal, and on the plus side, we do have some fantastically composed shots.
But I think both old and new viewers alike will be disappointed by this opener. It’s just too bland. Anyone looking to see why CSI: Miami is the most watched show in the world will be hard pressed to find out why. Old viewers looking for their fix of idiot juice will find the fountain at an ebb.
Fingers crossed for something massively ridiculous or offensive next week, hey?