Review: CSI: Miami 6.1

CSI Miami

In the US: Mondays, 10pm, CBS

In the UK: Five, Five US, Living, etc, whenever they get round to it

Characters re-cast: 0

Major characters gotten rid of: 0

Major new characters: 0.5

Format change percentage: 15%

New relatives: 1

Behold the Carusobot. All hail the Carusobot. It has returned. It stands at odd angles. It delivers bad lines slowly and oddly. It stands still and expects the whole world to move around it.

It is a miracle of modern science.

Compared to last season’s opener, which was a true idiot fest, albeit an extremely glossy action-packed piece of rubbish, CSI: Miami‘s sixth season opener was far more subdued and nowhere near as stupid. That’s not to say it wasn’t stupid at all, because it clearly was. It’s just lost a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain CSI: Miami-ish quality.

All the ingredients were there. Stupid dialogue, stupid plot, stupid use of forensic science. We have thin, gossamery bits of fabric able to save people from two storey falls. We have private investigators who look like they’ve been airbrushed and are dressed in that most practical of garments, the tight white skirt, wandering out into the middle of the Everglades and searching through rubbish without getting a hint of dirt of themselves. We have long-lost sons suddenly turning up. We have so many armed police and armed criminals shooting at each, you’d think they had shares in an ammunitions manufacturer.

That’s crime, Miami-style.

Yet, changes seem to be afoot. Ryan Wolfe, disgraced CSI, hasn’t been returned to duty. Wot no reboot? How odd. We’ve had one regular moved over to uniform and an old incidental (and far more photogenic) character move up to take his place. There’s a romance going on and one of the other CSIs is ever so jealous about it. There are even hints of another relationship.

Character development? What’s up with the world?

Then, of course, good old Horatio, moral arbiter and dispenser of justice, turns out to have a crimo son (thankfully, one who doesn’t quite share his hair colour). How will Mr Binary Morality deal with it? The Carusobot only has one convincing expression, so badly, it turns out. He looks like a puppy who’s had a bucket of water poured on him.

I dare say that in the upcoming episodes, things will revert to normal, and on the plus side, we do have some fantastically composed shots.

But I think both old and new viewers alike will be disappointed by this opener. It’s just too bland. Anyone looking to see why CSI: Miami is the most watched show in the world will be hard pressed to find out why. Old viewers looking for their fix of idiot juice will find the fountain at an ebb.

Fingers crossed for something massively ridiculous or offensive next week, hey?

  • espedair

    All hail the Caruso! We are not worthy. He has come to led us to the promised TV lane! Hail Caruso! Hail Caruso!

  • Dear Robert!
    I was so fascinatied by your blog and your take on the shows opener – which is dead on – that I copied and posted it (backlinked of course) to my TV Guide blog. I praised you as the renowed journalist that you are. However, beware militant Caruso fans will besiege your blog and call you “uneducated”, “untalented” etc.

  • I’m not sure whether to thank you or not, then!
    I’d best clean up the typos if they’re coming round, then. Do they like party treats?

  • Frankly, I was just pleased by this post (and in catching up with it late) that what I saw on Tuesday’s episode aired on Five in the UK doesn’t yet mean major character changes.
    Clearly I just have NO emotional investment in CSI:M (well duh, since it has none of its own!) as I will happily read plot spoilers about it. Whereas I have to carefully edit my reading of your Who posts and especially the comments!

  • Do they like party treats?
    NOPE….they don’t have any humor at all. They already doubt if you are a journalist – since you call Caruso “Carusobot” and since you see “the grandeur” of the red menance.

  • Sorry, my mistake I meant to say “since YOU DON’T SEE the grandeur of the red menance…”

  • Sometimes, I doubt I’m a journalist. But then I pinch myself or wake up out of the drunken stupor and it turns out that I am.