US TV

Season finale: Lost

Lost's big foot

Lost‘s finale was just so plain weird and wacky, it deserves its own entry in my continuing season finale guide. Worry ye not, UK viewers, I won’t spoil it for you.

Most of the second season has been dull. Sorry to say that, but it’s been dull (and, it turns out, mostly pointless). The last few episodes have reversed that with several hours of shocking carnage that have wiped out all kinds of popular characters you never thought would get the chop (assuming they don’t make miracle recoveries, hide under large objects, etc). It’s all been really rather good. The finale was some really tasting icing on the cake, though.

First off, don’t expect any answers to questions you might be having. You won’t get any. At least, you won’t get any that make any sense or that couldn’t be elaborate bluffs. Yes, you will find out what happens if you don’t keep pushing the button down the hatch, but you won’t really know why. You’ll find out why the plane crashed on the island, but again, it won’t make too much sense. Etc etc. Lots of revelations. Lots of flashbacks where you see characters’ pasts intertwining. My theory of a live-action role-playing game is starting to make more sense, too, given the number of wigs and false beards that people are starting to sport.

But it all doesn’t matter because all the new questions are even more interesting and send the show in all kinds of odd directions. I got the feeling while watching the finale that Lost was turning into 70s weirdo Bermuda Triangle show The Fantastic Journey. Look at the picture above. That’s a giant statue of a foot (we’re assuming there used to be more to it than that, but who knows). Now count the toes (click on the picture to make it bigger, if you need to). See what I mean? Weird. And there’s a whole lot more weird where that came from (this was purely incidental weird that doesn’t affect the plot in any way, BTW, so don’t think I’ve ruined anything for you).

It’s going to be a long wait for the next season, given they’re going to try to run it without re-runs (January start instead of September, next season?) and the ending is particularly gripping, so I’m giving this a high tension rating

Tension rating: 10/10

PS One of the great things about Lost incidentally, is that it uses Australian and other non-American actors. Apparently though, there are enough Australian actors in the US for them to be used to play non-Australian roles in Lost, too. I say this because the finale casts Alan Dale (Jim from Neighbours) as a posh English bloke. Odd.

PPS Am confidently expecting an article from Lucy Mangan to appear in The Guardian in about 18 weeks or so about what she’d like to see happen in the finale. At about 1600 words for a double-page spread and at the standard freelance rate for The Guardian, that would be about £350 or so that could be mine if I wrote it right now. But I’d never pitch it because it would be a complete waste of time and space for everyone including the readers. Sigh.

Film

How many director’s cuts does one film need?

Blade Runner

Blade Runner had a difficult path to the big screen. There were various cuts, including the infamous version shown at the test screenings. An ex- of mine actually went to one of them and she says it was one of the most violent and sick films she’s ever seen (which is saying something). Under pressure to make something more acceptable to the viewing public, director Ridley Scott put out a movie he certainly wasn’t happen with; Harrison Ford refused to play ball on the narration the studios demanded be added to the film and delivered it a dull monotone he was convinced would never be used in the final version – how wrong was he?

About a decade and a half later, Ridley Scott was given the chance to put out a version he could put his name to – the so-called Director’s Cut, thus starting a trend that continues to this day. It turns out he wasn’t happy with that either, so he’s doing yet another one, due to be released in September.

Does Blade Runner really need that much fiddling with? Look at what happened with Star Wars. George Lucas keeps mucking around with that and it gets worse each time. It’s reached the point where he’s actually now being forced to release the originals again on DVD because everyone hates his new versions and would much rather have the original cuts (and because it’s a chance to extract even more cash for the fans).

The question is, what does Scott actually want to do to Blade Runner this time? Sure, ripping a unicorn out of Legend and sticking it in Blade Runner didn’t look fantastic, but what’s he going to? Shoot some footage of some more unicorns especially? Do a Lucas and add extra glowy eyes to Ford during key scenes to make it obvious Deckard’s a replicant?

News

Gillian McKeith: the least frightening woman ever, it turns out

'Dr' Gillian McKeith You know ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith, right? That nasty, humourless woman with the fake doctorate who turns up on Channel 4 to look at people’s poo and pronounce judgement on them? Yes, her. I’ve written a lot about her elsewhere, if you want to know a few more reasons why she should be shunned like a PlayStation-using Amish.

Anyway, some people think she’s scary. She’s not though. She attacked Louis Walsh and was so furious she fell over and sprained her wrist. Wow. Anyone not fancy their chances in a fight with her? Thought not.

There’s an obvious joke here. It’s so huge and obvious, it’s like a giant magnet sucking every other joke in its vicinity towards it. It involves the words ‘better diet’ and ‘wouldn’t fall over’. Anyone want to stoop ever so low and say what everyone else is thinking?

US TV

Greg the Bunny: a reason to watch ITV4, amazingly

Greg The BunnyI didn’t watch Doctor Who tonight. What can I say? I was playing ‘Settlers of Catan’ – damn those Germans make good board games, plus my mother-in-law’s addicted. Never mind: I’ll watch the repeat tomorrow or something. It didn’t look too brilliant so I’m not too worried. (Potted review, incidentally, of last week’s episode, since I never got round to it: nice video, shame about the script. For those familiar with classic Who, wasn’t it essentially Patrick Troughton’s The Invasion chopped in half and far less entertaining?).

So I didn’t catch the good Doctor, but I did catch Greg the Bunny on ITV4 afterwards. ITV4’s a great channel in many ways, with a lot of quality stuff, mainly programmes from the US (of course) and British programmes from the 60s and 70s, which is roughly when we could still make decent/entertaining TV consistently.

The trouble is it has ‘ITV’ at the beginning of its name, which makes you think it’s nothing but rubbish. You really have to force yourself to watch it and constantly come up with new reasons to switch the channel from Ulster TV’s pro-celebrity basket-weaving or whatever crud you’ve found on one of the other channels; ITV4 will almost certainly be guaranteed to be showing something that should be a gadzillion times more appealing but for some reason isn’t. Judging by ITV4’s viewing figures, it’s as though we’ve collectively been given aversion therapy and now have to summon our courage to the very sticking point just to watch a couple of minutes of even the best show, for fear of getting the electric shocks again.

So here’s a good reason to watch ITV4: Greg the Bunny, which airs on Saturdays. It’s really a very funny show (well, it was: it’s been cancelled, of course), put together by some cutting-edge New York comedians and with a pretty stellar cast. It’s basically about a TV show for kids that features puppets – such as Greg the Bunny – but the twist is the puppets are all real and are generally regarded as an ethnic minority. Tonight’s show revolved around some nasty graffiti found in the gents’ that used the s-word (sock), which forced management to send everyone to sensitivity training. Here’s a choice sample of dialogue I found on the Internet after doing some snooping:

“Let’s face it, humans have been mistreating puppets for centuries. It’s nothing new. We lure them to our country with the tartar sauce, and the lollipops, and the empty promises of sparklers which I believe are yet unfulfilled…”

Sarah SilvermanAnyway, I liked it, particularly because the cast includes not just Seth Green (Austin Powers and Oz in Buffy) and Eugene Levy (American Pie) but also the delectable but ever-so-slightly scary Sarah Silverman. In case you’ve not heard the name before, she’s commonly regarded as the Next Big Thing™ in edgy US comedy (the successor to Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Andy Kaufmann, Bill Hicks – delete according to your generation).

If you’ve seen her and actually remember her, it’s probably because you watched The Aristocrats, a documentary about comedians that was in the cinema relatively recently. It’s named after a particular joke told by comedians to other comedians. The joke only has an opener and a punchline, but the comedian has to fill in the gap in between, the idea being that it’s an opportunity to show off their comedic style and gross out or offend the others. Silverman’s version of ‘The Aristocrats’ is the only one that really offended people, despite descent into racism, sexism, necrophilia, coprophilia and the like by the other stand-ups. As I said, delectable but scary.

So catch Greg, catch Sarah and see if you can boost ITV4’s ratings in treble figures. Through the magic of YouTube, here’s a clip of Greg visiting a Sci-Fi convention for you to get your teeth into as a kind of sampler for you.

Movie marketing departments and the power of numbers

It started with Mission: Impossible 3, which was released on the fourth of May this year. So that’s M:I 3 on 4/5/6. Ooh, clev-er.

Now The Omen is coming out on Tuesday 6th June. That’s 6/6/6.

Weird.

This lends itself to a new theory. Well, three actually. Which do you think is right?

  1. Movie companies are now holding back or bringing forward release dates of movies to match clever dates
  2. Marketing departments at movie companies now believe in the power of numerology
  3. Entire movies are now being made purely so they can be released on a clever date. After all, surely there was no point to re-making The Omen except that it’s the only movie that could possibly benefit from that date.