Torchwood

JACK: Okay, listen up fucktards. It’s Torchwood here. We’re below the law, beside the government and over the top and we’re here to educate you about the Higgs Boson.

MURMURS OF PROTEST FROM AUDIENCE

JACK: Yes, you idiots. You know nothing about CERN or the large hadron collider or really difficult science things. So Radio 4 have asked us to come and educate your asses for Big Bang Day.

MORE MURMURS OF PROTEST FROM AUDIENCE

JACK: Shut it or I’ll make you smell my coat. I haven’t washed it since I first got it and I was buried in peat for 2,000 years.

GWEN: Ych y fi, Jack!

JACK: Right, the Higgs Boson. It’s… Hmm. Anyone know? Gwen?

GWEN (ON PHONE): Can I phone a friend? Rhys? Oh, Rhys man! What are you doing? I loves you. You knows I loves you!… But Rhys… Why her?…

JACK: Maybe not then. Tosh? Oh sh… she’s dead. Owen. Oh sh… he’s dead too. Christ, they were the only ones who knew anything. Martha?

MARTHA GIGGLES AND IMPERSONATES A PIECE OF WOOD

JACK: Ianto?

IANTO TRIES TO AVOID JACK’S EYE BY READING THE CRACK-A-JOKE BOOK AND LAUGHING UNCONVINCINGLY

JACK: Guess it’ll be me then. Erm, it’s a thing that you, like, see. Erm, inside rain drops. Protons? Are we clear yet?

MORE MURMURS, THIS TIME OF RIDICULE FROM THE MIDDLE CLASS WELL EDUCATED RADIO 4 AUDIENCE

JACK: What do you mean Torchwood know sweet FA about science, so much so it’s embarrassing? Oh…Look over there. It’s an eagle. No really. Look! Look!

AUDIENCE LOOKS STAGE RIGHT

JACK: Quick, Ianto – the rear entrance!

Excerpt from Torchwood: Lost Souls

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