0-Anti-CarusoThe Carusometer is the world’s most powerful – and certainly most egotistical – TV ratings system. After turning its shaded, unblinking gaze at a TV show, it is able to come up with the true, absolute measure of the show’s worth on a scale ranging from 0 to 5.

  1. Anti-Caruso
  2. Caruso-free
  3. Partial Caruso
  4. Minor Caruso
  5. Major Caruso
  6. Full Caruso

Each of these ratings corresponds to a hypothetical ideal TV show in which David Caruso is involved, with a higher number corresponding to greater involvement. A 0 corresponds to a show so good, so high-quality, so well written and directed, that if David Caruso came within 100 metres of it, he would explode instantly. A show such as The Wire registers as a 0 or Anti-Caruso. By contrast, a show that scores a Full Caruso is one that looks as though David Caruso has been involved in every aspect of its production. A show such as Painkiller Jane or Rules of Engagement registers as a 5 or Full Caruso.

Third-episode verdicts
The Carusometer for Burn Notice

A third-episode verdict takes account of the Carusometer ratings for the first three episodes of the show, averages them and produces an overall quality measurement of the show

Fifth-episode verdicts
The Carusometer for Daybreak

Like the Third-Episode Verdict, but used in cases where there was too much variance in the quality of initial episodes to make an accurate decision, or in cases where it looks like there are signs of potential improvement or decline. Also used when I’ve been on holiday and missed the chance to pass a third-episode verdict.

The End of Series or Full Season Carusometer
Primeval Final Carusometer

Only used with shows such as Doctor Who, for season-to-season comparisons, or as a more accurate alternative to The Random Carusometer.

The Random Carusometer
Random episode Carusometer for Painkiller Jane

Used as a random spot-check to see whether a show has picked up in quality since a third- or fifth-episode verdict. The Carusometer analyses an episode at random and then passes a one-off verdict on its quality.