Classic TV

Weird old titles: C.A.T.S. Eyes

Leslie Ash in C.A.T.S. Eyes

Maybe there’s a reason other than the obvious ones for why I don’t like Ashes to Ashes: it reminds me too much of Gentle Touch spin-off C.A.T.S. Eyes. Yes, much like Fox Force 5, it featured an all-woman group of government spies (Covert Action – Thames Section) working undercover as private detectives at an agency called Eyes.

Oh dear God.

The Gentle Touch was something of a ground-breaker. A long-running series about a female police detective, Maggie Forbes (played by Jill Gascoine) and the pressures of the very male environment in which she worked, it was something of a pre-cursor to Prime Suspect.

So sending the character and the actress who played her to do grunt work in C.A.T.S. Eyes was akin to sending Helen Mirren and DCI Tennison off at the end of Prime Suspect to mop up the garbage on Captain Planet.

The rest of the team (for series one at least) consisted of posh bird Rosalyn Landor, playing the head of Eyes, Pru Standfast; and Leslie Ash, playing Fred Smith, casual racist and computer expert.

Yes, Leslie Ash. She was quite hot then – at least 13-year-old MediumRob used to think so at the time.

Running the whole operation from Whitehall was Don Warrington of Rising Damp fame. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Pru left at the end of series one (allegedly because none of the actresses got on, but who knows). Maggie Forbes took over, and more obvious totty Tracy Louise Ward joined as Brunette A CipherTessa Robinson.

The titles for the first series changed each time, with the agent who was the focus of the story getting the main titles time. In a second, the titles from the first series’ ‘good episode’, Frightmare, in which Fred takes her date to the office and gets doused in hallucinogens so he can steal all the office secrets, IIRC. Apparently, girls don’t like to see centipedes on their keyboards or something.

Here they are, beamed to us directly from 1985 by a benevolent engineer who used to work for old ITV franchise TVS. Prepare to laugh and wonder if in fact Keeley Hawes is playing a snottier version of Pru Standfast in Ashes to Ashes.

For those who want to see how desperate things got, live from a VHS recording from The Family Channel, comes this six minute chunk from an episode of the second series, complete with funky new titles and new theme.

Events

Derby Quad – Year of the Sex Olympics and Sapphire and Steel showings

The Year of the Sex Olympics
I don’t normally cover “up north” – I’m sure there are better sources of information than I, for starters – but thanks to this brave new web world I’ve entered recently, I’ve just learnt via Twitter about some interesting showings at Derby QUAD as part of their “Future is Now” season.

You can book online right now.

US TV

Deadliest Warrior – The stupidest TV programme ever

Deadliest Warrior

There are some insanely daft TV programmes out there if you look hard enough. Just mental ones. Like the remake of Knight Rider or Torchwood for example. Probably the most mental TV show I’ve come across in recent months/years is a documentary. It airs on Spike in the US and it’s called Deadliest Warrior.

Now, I watched the first episode and thought to myself “There is absolutely no point even reviewing this, because it’s so insanely daft the entire review would consist of ‘HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!'”

But I just saw the title of the latest episode and thought I had to share anyway.

The principle of the show is simple. See if you can avoid laughing as I explain. You take two of history’s greatest warriors or fighting forces. You get historical experts and scientists to analyse their ways of fighting. You test some of their techniques out on dummies and the like. You then feed it all into a gaming engine and enact thousands of battles in the computer. And then you see which of the two would have won in a fight on aggregate.

HA HA HA?

Okay, it’s clearly inspired by Discovery Channel’s Fight Science but all the sensible things have been done already, so that’s what they were left with.

They could still have done something halfway intelligent, though. They could have just made it a war games type programme in which armies faced off against each other, or had martial artists of different styles fight one another.

They didn’t.

Instead, their choices of warriors to pit against each other veers between the insanely silly and the outright tasteless. Here’s a list of the ones they’ve done so far – see if you can keep that smile off your face. The last two are absolute classics:

  • Episode 1: Apache vs Gladiator
  • Episode 2: Viking vs Samurai
  • Episode 3: Spartan vs Ninja
  • Episode 4: Pirate vs Knight
  • Episode 5: Yakuza vs Mafia
  • Episode 6: Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
  • Episode 7: Shaolin Monk vs Māori Warrior
  • Episode 8: William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu
  • Episode 9: IRA vs. Taliban

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

It’s the stupidest TV programme ever. Without a doubt.

Tuesday’s fake catcher news

Doctor Who

  • Great big spoilers from Rusty plus hints at another special Who project this year [spoilers]

Film

  • Alyssa Milano to star in and produce My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend

Books

  • JD Salinger sues over ‘sequel’ to The Catcher in the Rye

British TV

US TV

  • Zac Levy talks Chuck season three [spoilers]