I feel violated. Violated and stupid. Don't I learn? Am I no better than invertebrates or small yappy dogs? Couldn't I tell that another Torchwood Radio 4 play was going to make the last one look like a work of art?
Apparently not, because I actually sat down and listened, live, to Torchwood - Asylum.
Apologies for the delay in reviewing this one: I simply couldn't face listening to the first of two Sylvester McCoy stories after having to sit through the Key 2 Time season.
In fact, the thought of listening to the new Eighth Doctor and Lucie season was so horrific I've decided to give those a complete miss, so sorry if you've been hoping for reviews of those – I doubt you have.
But, just for yous guys, I forced myself to get back on track. I steeled myself last week, gave The Magic Mousetrap a whirl – as well as the first episode of The Three Companions – and now I'm ready to report.
It's not that bad actually, although it would have been so much better with practically any other Doctor/companion combination.
Ah, men. It's all falling apart, isn't it? No longer king of the castle, the divorce rates through the roof, the wife always getting custody of the kids. Let's face it, women are succeeding where none-too-bright, male former sports stars are failing - you know, by working harder and being smarter. Damn them.
Is there nowhere, no realm where men have a unique selling point, "a special tool" if you like: an area where they're the best and no woman can succeed?
In the US: Friday June 26, 8pm, Fox. Available on Fox On Demand In the UK: Sky will probably nab it
Unless minor miracles happen, this won't become a TV series. Yes, it's from the brain of Battlestar Galactica creator Ronald D Moore (well, "written by Michael Taylor; story by Michael Taylor & Ronald D. Moore"). Yes, Fox picked it up as a pilot.
But then they had second thoughts and left it to air as a TV movie.
It'll also be a minor miracle because frankly, if you thought Battlestar Galactica was depressing, you're not going to have a fun time with Virtuality. Here's a 12 minute preview to give you the basic idea.
In the US: Wednesdays, 10/9c, NBC In Canada: Wednesdays, 10/9c, Global TV
Ooh, Africa. It's a bit tricky, isn't it? What with all the shit happening, and stuff and ooh, it just makes you want to throw your hands in the air and do nothing.
If only there were like some really cool, really rich, billionaire Western guy who could go in and like sort things out, by you know, "hands-on philanthropy", which would be like riding motorbikes without shoes on to get medicine to villagers before he gets on his Lear Jet. Because that would, like, really sort it all out.
Okay, it's quite easy to sneer at The Philanthropist. Look, I just did it.
But:
It is actually based on a real person - Bobby Sager - although only very loosely on him
It stars British actor James Purefoy and that Neve Campbell woman
Despite its silliness, its artificiality and its shallow attempts to depict an incredibly complicated situation in a 40-minute action-adventure format, The Philanthropist has its heart in the right place and isn't so stupid that you can hear the pebbles rattling around inside its skull.
It's got Omar from The Wire in it.
Here on some YouTube promos; more about the show after the jump:
Three episodes into Nurse Jackie and I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm not sure the makers know what to make of it either. Stepping away from the traditional depiction of nurses as angels (cf Hawthorne, for example), it shows a nurse who's a pill-taking, adulterous angel of vengeance and morality, who'll flush criminals' ears down a toilet if she thinks they deserve it. It also tries to show what arses both doctors and patients are, when most of the time, everyone's just an idiot.
But that's a bit too in your face, it seems, so while episode one was packed with "I can't believe she just did that moments", episodes two and three have slowly removed those moments in favour of more drama and more comedy. It's still quite a 'bitty' show, but it now flows better. The only problem is that it's also duller. With the exception of her best friend and sociopath, played by British actress Eve Best, everyone's now long-suffering and worthy, with the occasional tendency to cut corners and not behave totally professionally. Best is still gloriously over the top and unconcerned with her patients, making her easily the best thing in the show.
I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with this. It's only half an hour, it's only six episodes (I think) and it's already been renewed for a second season. But, apart from Eve, there's not enough real character - rather than plot - to get me involved and not even plot to paper over those cracks. The "true to life" looks at work as a nurse seem real enough now, but the show's not quite got what it takes to be compelling any more. But maybe it'll pick up again: that's the trouble with short seasons - you have to compress the arcs so we're already in a mid-season slump.
Carusometer rating: 3 Rob's prediction: Already picked up for season two so I'm suspecting it'll run for at least two more seasons. However, with such a short season duration, if you blink, you'll miss it.
Over the summer, it seems, if you're going to watch any network's programming, USA has it all sown up. While NBC is sticking out bland-to-rubbish content like Merlin and The Listener, and the other networks are content with re-runs, rubbish and reality TV (mix that up as much as you like), USA is quietly sticking out some of its best work. Burn Notice has been topping the ratings for three seasons now and Royal Pains, its new Thursday-night stablemate, is shaping up pretty well, too.
We're three episodes in, now, and as I said during my review of the really quite good first episode, the show could have gone one of two ways: desperately dull or still entertaining and leisurely - a perfect summer show. Happily, it's continued in the same vein as before, a kind of cross between Gossip Girl (but without the excesses), House (but without the mean nasty doctors, just the nice ones), MacGyver (but without the mullet or spies) and The Apprentice (but without the strange hairpiece) in which amiable doctor Mark Feuerstein has to work out what the matter is with a bunch rich people (and anyone else he comes across), usually with the aid of whatever he finds lying around, all the while trying to build a new business and romance the local hospital administrator.
And it does it all very well. The relationships are nicely handled, nothing seems too forced, nothing too bad seems to happen, and no matter how rich or how poor characters are, they all seem relatively nice. It's a feel good show about people feeling well.
If I had to criticise, Dr Hank's brother is a bit of an arse and deserves a spade to the back of the head, and in an effort to stay away from anything too unpleasant for too long, there's a little shallowness to the characterisations. But it's just a nice to show to watch. It would last about five seconds in a winter schedule, but in summer, you'd be hard pressed to find anything better or more apt.
Carusometer rating: 2 Rob's predication: Should last for a good few seasons, unless the American economy falls into a giant hole in the next year or so. Or at least a bigger giant hole.
There's a sudden rush to get dramas about nurses onto our screens. We've already had Nurse Jackie on Showtime, Mercy is coming to NBC in the Fall and now we have TNT lifting the lid off Hawthorne.
Unlike Nurse Jackie, Hawthorne is one of those caring, sharing angelic types of nurses, who do their best in terrible circumstances, never doing anything bad. And much like its eponymous heroine, the show might have its heart in the right place, but it's also very, very dull.
They're back. The ubiquitous Robert Webb and David Mitchell are back! Of course, being ubiquitous, it's not like they seem to have gone away, of course, but here they are, back again, with a new series of That Mitchell and Webb Look, which is - equally, of course - based on their radio show That Mitchell and Webb Sound.
When people say ubiquitous, they generally mean that in a bad way. But having Robert Webb and David Mitchell on just about every TV and radio programme on every TV channel imaginable - whether it's talking about poetry, dancing on Comic Relief, acting on Peep Show, appearing on game show panels or featuring in ads - is actually a good thing. Because they are very, very funny.
Hard to believe it, I know, but Property Ladder and everyone's favourite property developer, Sarah Beeny, have been with us for over eight years. With each series of the show, Beeny has regaled us with advice on how to make money from property, using the examples of regular people turned property developers to show us what to do – and more often what not to do.
Typically, the show would run as follows: Beeny turns up on the doorsteps of two developers. The developers tell Beeny what they intend to do. It's just plain awful, stupid or wrong, so Beeny gives them some better ideas. They still do what they intended to do. They cock up significantly, spending masses more money than they needed to. Then they relent, do as Beeny suggested, and hey presto, all's good with the world again. Then, at the end, despite the cock-ups and over-ambition, Beeny reveals that "thanks to a rising market", they still managed to make money.
Well, guess what. The rising market has gone. It has ceased to be.
So, you might ask, what's the point of Property Ladder? Can it survive in this climate?
The short answer is no. However, the long answer is yes, but only if it gets a name change.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Property Snakes & Ladders.
Read more on What have you been watching this week? (w/e 3 July)