Celebrity Big Brother: Day one

You asked for it, for some reason, so here you go. The first day of my coverage of Celebrity Big Brother 2007 begins here. I’m not sure how long it’s going to last because

  1. I could get bored very easily
  2. I’m not sure how often I’ll watch it
  3. I’ve got jury service for the next fortnight so won’t have as much time to blog as usual
  4. The only reason I’m blogging about it right now is because I was taking my wife’s car in for its MOT and instead of the “if you bring it in at 10.30, you’ll be able to wait for it” service, I got the “it’ll be ready late afternoon around 4.30” service. So now I’m stuck in Bromley’s Caff?ɬ� Nero with my laptop, working out how best to spend my day and hoping I’ll be able to write that article I’m supposed to be writing.

As you can see, I’m greatly enthusiastic about the prospect. But here goes. Day one…

Day one

Day one isn’t yesterday, of course. It’s the day before. So we start off with a great big recap of everyone going into the house. Interesting how the whole thing’s a lot less grating once Davina McCall is out the way, isn’t it? Yacking on about how different celebrities are to “you and me”. You are tossing celebrity, woman. You have hair dye ads and you host one of the most talked about shows in the country. You had your own talk show. There are probably five people in the country who haven’t heard of you. Crap it, they even know who you are on the Orkney Islands thanks to Cameron from BB3. Stop trying to ingratiate yourself and pretend you’re one of the ordinary people!

Rant over.

Rather like some Christopher Nolan film, slowly we’re filled in on the background detail we were misdirected away from during the first half of proceedings. Without the squealing harpy, we have a chance to find out that Jo and H know each other really well, since they used to smoke fags behind the bike sheds at SM:TV and all the other kids shows.

We also learn that Donny Tourette is a tosser. Realisation of day one: tank up a wannabe punk and he’ll get a bit drunk and obnoxious. Naturally, therefore, most events revolved around him.

Carole Malone Carole Malone

Still a bit of a mystery. Spent most of her time trying to flaunt her knowledge of behind-the-scenes Big Brother production politics. Given a few drinks and a smashed Donny Tourette to deal with, she quickly clammed up.

Cleo Rocos Cleo Rocos

Experienced. I like that.

Danielle Lloyd Danielle Lloyd

Initial impressions confirmed. Not the brightest. “I’m oblivious to most things,” being her best quote so far. Hasn’t had much chance to do anything except freak out at being in the same house as Donny. Attempts to justify her own existence – “I used to be Miss Great Britain but then I got fired” – have failed hopelessly: “Oh, you’re Teddy Sheringham’s girlfriend!”

Dirk Benedict Dirk Benedict

Clearly used to dealing with drunkards. Doesn’t take himself too seriously. Brilliant.

Donny Tourette Donny Tourette

Oh dear God. Imagine having the rude drunk from your local pub in your face for 25 days and this is what they’re going to have to put up with. Desperate to start a fight, but at heart, he’s too posh and too tame to do anything truly bad (like punch someone himself). Like watching a teenager trying to be hard.

H Ian ‘H’ Watkins

What a lovely gay Welshman.

Jermaine Jackson Jermaine Jackson

Ah. He’s trying his best, isn’t he? He tries to strike up conversations, but even Dirk Benedict is a mystery to him. However, he is managing to bond with Leo Sayer, who looks mostly likely to be his Bubbles. Still, he can’t quite hide his disappointment that only a few of his fellow housemates know who he is, despite having his name embroidered into his trousers. Quite humble all the same.

Jo from S Club Jo from S Club

No nonsense and practical, she’s steering well clear of Carole Malone – “That’s all we need. A journalist.” Doesn’t read the papers because she hates them. Celebrity Death Match: we have two new contenders.

Ken Russell Ken Russell

Snores as though some hypnotist has tried to persuade him to single-handedly destroy the walls of Jericho. Seems nice when he’s awake though, and since he’s made it through the 70s with some genuine hellraisers, not especially fazed by Donny’s attempts to wind him up.

Leo Sayer Leo Sayer

I suspect he has access to a healthy supply of sherbet dip, because this man has energy. Already knows Donny – one of the Berkshire lads, apparently – and nicely summed him up as a “harmless Jonny Lydon”. Gentleman enough to give up his bed to Jo, after it dawned on her she was going to have to share with Donny. Donny, BTW, sleeps naked, something that gave Leo a sleepless night.

Shilpa Shetty Shilpa Shetty

Seems a little bewildered by everything, including British people. Keeps herself covered up at all times, making her the exact opposite of the average female Big Brother contestant. It was a bit cold on Wednesday, mind.