Cyberman: Dalek?
Dalek: Cyberman?
Cyberman: Did your sensors detect the fluid that I just expelled from my right lateral articulator joint?
Dalek: My probes observed the phenomenon
Cyberman: Are they able to analyse it?
Dalek: They report it is composed of waste oil and grease and certain biochemical solutions
Cyberman: Where is it now?
Dalek: It is sinking into the floor where it is being absorbed by human excretions such as dandruff and hair
Cyberman: That's your void ship that is. Your mum made that. It's like the best thing she's ever done.
Dialogue from Doctor Who episode Doomsday.

So it's the end, but the moment has been prepared for. The Daleks and the Cybermen had a great big fight and Rose is stuck in another universe. And it was all just so mediocre.

I wanted to like this. I really really wanted to like this. But I was bored. I may reconsider if I ever get round to watching the episode again. Already, my brain is trying its hardest to filter out the dross and crud surrounding the few good things in the episode.

But nothing can alter the fact that from about 7.20pm on Saturday night I was clock-watching.

And thus season two of the new Doctor Who begins to crank itself up for the finale, while simultaneously winding itself down. There was good, there was bad, there was ugly. But, in contrast to the last few episodes, there was far more good than there was bad this time.

Doctor and Rose return to Earth in the “present day” and drop in on Rose's mum, Jackie. As it happens, Jackie's waiting for the scheduled appearance of her dead father. As you do. Needless to say, when a ghost turns up as predicted, the Doctor isn't totally convinced he's what she thinks she is and tries to work out what's actually going on.

He eventually narrows down the source of the 'ghost' activity to Canary Wharf and Torchwood, the launch site of the new spin-off TV series a top secret government institute that investigates alien artefacts. There we find a 'Void Ship' of mysterious origin and before you know it, a bunch of cyber agents who have infiltrated our universe from the parallel universe we saw in The Age of Steel. Using the hole in the universe created by the arrival of the Void Ship, the cybermen manage to bring their entire army over into our reality. The world is theirs.

But wait! The Void Ship isn't cyber-technology. Inside are… a bunch of Daleks. Cue end titles.

So all in all, very exciting. The usual RTD hallmarks were on display - cameos by people from other TV shows (not all of which were awful); movie references; 'typical' teenage behaviour (Here's me washing, Mum!); very sly continuity references (“The Eternals call it 'the Howling'.” Those would be the Eternals from the Peter Davison story Enlightenment and also from the 2005 Doctor Who Annual), etc, etc. But while the Ghostbusters bit was excruciating, the rest of it was actually kind of fun and forgivable.

David Tennant was giving a relatively calm performance this time round and Billie Piper had a return to form, finally getting something to do that was all about Rose. Graeme Harper did a reasonable job of directing but not outstanding – I don't feel he's quite had the dark story he needs to really show off his stuff. Murray Gold still can't do incidental music. Oh well. But all in all, pretty good.

Now for the niggles. The plot was full of holes, which can be forgiven. But... Torchwood built Canary Wharf to investigate to the anomaly in the sky. So where the hell was the Void Ship all this time? Just lurking there in the sky? Funny, I'm pretty sure most of London would have spotted it. Or did Torchwood somehow manage to carry the ship back up to the top of Canary Wharf (even though they can't touch it) once they'd built it, with presumably the Void Ship lurking in East London in a pub or something until it was time to come up. And how come Torchwood was telling everyone when it was going to conduct its experiments so there would be ghost forecasts? Renovation work on Canary Wharf? It's not that old and wouldn't Torchwood's director know about it. And wouldn't the Cybermen have come through the anomaly and be spotted? And, and...

But any Who plot has problems when exposed to the cold light of day, so let's not get too caught up in that.

The Cybermen. Obviously going to turn up so no surprise there, but they're still just not as scary as they should be. They're too friendly looking. You want something that has a stench of the graveyard about it, really. Instead, we get flares and a friendly face. Not good. Still, there's enough of them to be frightening: one cabbage patch kid isn't frightening; 10,000 cabbage patch kids coming to get you - very frightening.

So actually a pretty good episode. Could have been better, but actually not bad. Now for a few notes:

Mickey: Nice to see him back. I had a vague inkling we were being led up the garden path on that one. Consider this. The return of the Cybermen was inevitable. They wouldn't be this universe's Cybermen, so it would have to be the new-look Cybies. That means there was a way for Mickey to come back. Couple that with the fact that in the Mickey send-off retrospective, Doctor Who Confidential didn't once ask Noel Clarke what he was going to be doing next and there's been no media blitz at all on that subject (unlike Piper) and it just suggested to me that he might be coming back. Mickey for the new companion anyone (now that whatserface that The Sun suggested has been dispatched into the sky)?

Piper: Still not sure she's leaving. Still convinced this is a bluff, although the return of Mickey does make it more unlikely. After all, if she's dead yet mysteriously on a seashore, how can she be narrating? Or is she in Heaven? Or, as Marie suggests, on the other side of the portal? She'll be back at some point. Maybe she's in Hell, as suggested by The Satan Pit. Maybe it'll be like Search for Spock next year, with the Doctor trying to find a way back to the other universe.

The Daleks: Saw them coming. Sorry. A fun cliffhanger all the same.

Now there have been some complaints about the Daleks coming back. But they Daleks had to feature, I'm afraid. Here's why:

Firstly, every Doctor has to meet the old enemies as soon as possible or else you end up like Jon Pertwee, Paul McGann and Christopher Eccleston and not get a single Cyberman story – or, indeed, like Paul McGann and not get a Dalek story at all (see Footnote 1). With CE buggering off ASAP last year, getting DT to meet the Daleks was vital.

Secondly, the Daleks are the Doctor's arch nemesis. You can only be an arch nemesis if you turn up regularly, despite all previous attempts to kill you. Otherwise, you're rubbish. And since we're looking at a new generation of kids who don't really know that the Daleks are the Doctor's arch nemesis yet because they've only had one series to work with, the Daleks absolutely had to be in this series as well to make kids understand all other enemies come second to the Daleks.

The important third point is that they're necessary for the plot - or what I imagine the plot to be. If you think I'm likely to be on to something with my theory (which given my track record is unlikely), that it won't be blindingly obvious and don't want to be spoiled, don't read any further.

Footnotes
1) Technically, Paul McGann did get a Dalek story since they appear in voice over at the very beginning of Doctor Who: The Movie. Also Pertwee meets the Cybermen in The Five Doctors. Plus there are all those Big Finish audios where Paul McGann meets both Cybermen and Daleks. But they don't count really. It's just not the same, I tell you.

Ah kids. Little bastards, all of them. Give them a superpower and they'd all destroy the world in as much time as it takes to say, “I want my Happy Meal now!” It's a lesson written large and clear in Saturday's episode of Doctor Who, Fear Her.

“Note to self: By episode ten, David and Billie will probably be knackered. Real risk of them appearing on top of Welsh parliament building with sniper rifles if I make them do more work. Plus not sure they can be at two places at same time, thanks to filming requirements of episode nine. Must come up with story that doesn't involve Doctor or Rose. Hmm. How about story like Star Trek's Lower Decks that focuses on other characters? Or like The Zeppo on Buffy? I love Buffy. I wish I was Buffy.”
From Russell T Davies's “Production Notes: Doodles in the Margins of Time” © BBC 2007

Love and Monsters was quite a brave episode. You have to admire Russell T Davies for at least trying something new. A story that pretty much doesn't feature the Doctor or his companions at all? Unheard of! (When was the last time? Yes, you there at the back. Mission to the Unknown, back in the Hartnell days? Well done!)

But does it succeed? Could it have ever succeeded?

Basic plot: Rose and the miners escape the planet in a rocket; the Doctor throws himself down a hole, breaks a couple of jars and then rescues the people in the rocket using the TARDIS.

It could have been so much more, given the production team had Satan to work with as a villain, yet it became so conventional. Even the Ood seemed less menacing and more plasticky than last week.

It wasn't awful, there was never a cringe-worthy moment and the Beast was a fantastic piece of CGI. But it could all have amounted to so much more, given half a chance.

And what was up with David Tennant? You're not in the theatre again, love. You don't have to shout every line to the back of the auditorium. You don't have to compensate for lack of interesting dialogue by bellowing. In short, you are not Brian Blessed.

Well that was rather good, wasn't it? It's been a long time since we've had a proper horror story on Who* and they really pulled out all the stops this time to give us a 12A version of Event Horizon. In fact, it was all rather unsettling, almost as unsettling as going to the BBC's Doctor Who site right now with the sound on your computer turned on. Go on, I dare you.

Back to the plot.

The Doctor and Rose land on a really alien, far away planet that (yes, yes!) looks very much like a quarry. Actually, they land in a mining colony. Good old mining colonies. What would Doctor Who do without them? Or quarries for that matter.

It's an old planet, with writing on the walls so archaic the TARDIS can't translate it. The planet is in geostationary orbit round a black hole, which, as the Doctor points out to make sure everyone gets the episode title, is impossible. They also find the Ood, who are some odd slave-creatures with tentacles for mouths and who like to communicate telepathically.

So far, so creepy. But we then skulk around in the dark for 45 minutes, having the heebie-jeebies put into us, as it becomes apparent that there's something rather scary and demonic buried below the surface of the planet – something that's already having a rather scary effect on the Ood, as well as the inhabitants of the mining colony.

I really, really liked this one. There were some genuinely frightening moments that should hopefully still have younger viewers traumatised. Direction, set design, effects, dialogue, plotting: all were first rate. And for the first time since the show came back last year, there was some decent, atmospheric incidental music that didn't make you cringe in despair.

Billie Piper finally relocated her acting talent this episode and turned in a fine performance. David Tennant** was on good action hero form, but it was also nice to see the Doctor getting to be all scientific for the first time in 20-odd years, de-stigmatising maths for school kids everywhere and thus bumping up the UK's future GDP by a couple of points. The cliffhanger was a little drawn out, but the impending coming of the Beast from the pit was a fantastic ending all the same.

All in all, it seems, much like last year, that it's not till around episode eight that the production team really manage to get their groove back. But when they do, they really can turn in some fine tele. Unlike last year, though, which had about two episodes that I would voluntarily watch again (maybe only one, actually), there's four from this season that I'd happily watch again, so clearly they're improving as well.

One last thing: it seems that if you want to someone to do the voice of Satan and you want it done right, you need to hire Gabriel Woolf. Last heard on Doctor Who as the voice of Sutekh in Pyramids of Mars (Sutekh/Set/Satan - you see?), a performance that scared the bejesus out the nation and Mary Whitehouse back in 1975, the delightful 73-year-old made a triumphantly scary return as the voice of the Beast. I think he needs to start voicing his own greetings card range. He'd make a fortune.

PS: Not sure what long-term Who fans are going to make of a third explanation for Satan on the show***, but frankly who cares?

Footnotes to avoid my relentless parenthetic text
*Tooth and Claw was of the horror genre but not especially horrifying, unless you find the idea of a man turning into a wolf horrifying. Which it isn't.
** Sigh. Here you go.
*** Fourth if you count The Awakening

On the whole, I'd say not bad. The 50s tele stuff made me all nostalgic for a decade I never lived through, which was quite impressive. The face-sucking was done nicely.

On the other hand, the union flag/jack debate annoyed me because Rose was just plain wrong (gasp, factual inaccuracies in Doctor Who!). The plot and the denouement had a few issues that really couldn't be fixed in post. And the general bog-standard interpretation of the 50s - great decade for wife beaters, we fought in the war for the right to be lippy, etc - began to grate. Could we avoid the moralising please?

Basically, a reasonable filler piece as has been remarked elsewhere.

One last thing. Writer Mark Gatiss is a long-time sci-fi fan, something you may have noticed if you watched Doctor Who Confidential after the episode. He has, for instance, played Gold in the Big Finish Sapphire and Steel audio plays. So I wonder where he got the idea for the face-sucking in The Idiot's Lantern. I'll give you a visual clue: here's the baddie in the fourth Sapphire and Steel TV 'assignment', as they're called. Look familiar?

He does like his homages does Gatiss.

I was kind of looking forward to last Saturday's episode of Doctor Who. But not much. Those publicity shots of everyone's favourite cyborg who isn't called Jamie, Steve or Murphy took away my enthusiasm. Star Trek had had the Borg, but these new Cybermen looked almost cuddly in comparison, even 15 years on. Nice one Beeb. The Cybermen could have been the stuff of nightmares. Instead, they're 'The Cybies' in metal moon boots.

So I went into it with low expectations for the Cybermen. Instead, I was keeping my eye on the direction: Graeme Harper, famed and hallowed among classic Who directors, was telling the Cybermen what to do.

All things being equal, though, I wasn't wholly impressed by Graeme's first New Who, but then I don't think he had much to work with. It was an interesting story that I suspect has just enough plot for one and a half episodes. Since they're spreading the story over two episodes, rather than compressing it down to one, that left the first part distinctly flat and mostly set-up. Part two, however, is going to be worth waiting for since it's going to be non-stop action.

So what was good?

• Mickey and Ricky (will one become a Cyberman? Text “Spod” to 80110 for Mickey to get turned into a brain in a tank...);
• Mickey finally being given a backstory
• The new concept of the cybermen (brain in a tank)
• TARDIS in distress and Doctor's solution
• Some of those Cyber-isation scenes which are guaranteed to scare the crap out of some of the kids
• Not feeling like the entire episode was rushed

What was bad?

• Billie Piper failing to give 110%. She's starting to seem a bit “flaccid” next to Tennant
• Don Warrington being given the boot after five lines
• Another over the top villain in a wheelchair creating a race of monsters (we've got Davros for that)
• Cybermen only being in it for five minutes
• The new cyber catchphrase. I can't even remember what it is, it was so catchy.

So not bad. Not brilliant either. I suspect part two is going to be outstanding though.

Incidentally, I know they have some strange music choices in Doctor Who Confidential, but the opening track from Clockwork Orange?

Since this is the second Who posting of the day, I've saved up the two Tennant images quota to give you one movie of his being interviewed by John Barrowman. Am I kind or what?

Ah, that's a bit more like it. Only a couple of slack moments and a not totally convincing bit of CGI but otherwise, 'Tooth and Claw' was classic Who:

1. Good plot with a load of made-up science
2. Good dialogue
3. Good supporting cast
4. Lots of running around corridors
5. A companion running around with nothing to do but escape after being captured and ask, “What's going on Doctor?”
6. A scary monster
7. A research scene where they work out how to kill the monster
8. Lots of people dying

And they had some wu shu-ing monks and a reference to Jamie McCrimmon. Cracking. What more could you ask for from Doctor Who?

Incidentally, wasn't David Tennant good? No more companion overshadowing the Doctor. Mr T totally wiped the floor with Ms P. Ah, just like the good old days. Talking of which, it's the Sarah Jane and K9 episode next week. Can't wait.

Couple of extra things. Number one, I've turfed up an interview in my MP3 collection of David Tennant explaining his love of Who and his Big Finish work. It was actually done while the Christopher Eccleston series was airing, amazingly enough. Email me if you'd like to hear it (note: it wasn't me who did the interview, so you won't get to hear my dulcet tones).

Number two: I'm in Wales at the moment. My lovely wife wanted the house to herself because she had three of her friends coming down for the weekend. So I've upped sticks to the mother-in-law's and have spent the day cutting hedges, creosoting fences, mowing lawns, uncovering hedgehogs (Ahhhh!), climbing into lofts, moving heavy things and a whole lot more. So now I'm a funny pink colour from over-exposure to sunshine. Curses. Outside bad. Inside good.

But if you've never watched Who in Wales, it's very entertaining. Short of having a man in a red rugby shirt signing at the bottom, there's almost nothing more they could have done to make it clearer that this was “Made in Wales. God man! That's cowing lush!”. They even have a little placard with an announcer at the beginning saying “Made in Wales by BBC Wales”. In Wales. That was Wales. Sorry, did I mention that it was shot in Wales?

Incidentally, I have no idea if that headline is accurate Welsh. Despite my best intentions to learn Welsh, I've been unable to find an Instant Welsh book, those Instant books being about the only language-learning books I get along with. So my Welsh stops somewhere south of the numbers one to six. Don't, therefore, quote me on the headline, but I think it means “Welcome to Doctor Who”. Which is pretty meaningless of course. Oh well.

UPDATE: Further thoughts - Another 'classic' point was the TARDIS didn't turn up at the right place or the right time, which is always refreshing. But all that Torchwood stuff is starting to hack me off and doesn't make a lot of sense at the moment. Yes, we get it, there's a spin-off called Torchwood coming.

What was the most rubbish bit about Doctor Who on Saturday then?

1. The 20 minutes of padding in the middle of the script
2. The bit where they forced David Tennant to do an Austin Powers impression?
3. The fact someone had turned the volume on the incidental music all the way up to 11?

Hopefully next week's will be better.

Heresy though it seems to be these days, I didn't like the first season of the new Whos. Christopher Eccleston was good at the intense and miserable stuff (QFS!) but couldn't pull off the lighter stuff at all. He clearly thought it was all beneath him: certainly if you caught any of the Doctor Who Confidentials (what can I say? I'm a sucker for a behind-the-scenes documentary. I even listen to the audio commentaries on DVDs, sitting through all three of the Se7en voice-overs), you'll recall him saying “he didn't need to get out his Stanislavsky” for the role.

Most of the scripts were equally toe-curling and there was more than a hint of “Oh my God! They've given us a budget but we don't know what we're doing! Help! Help!” in the earlier episodes. Given that the exec producer, Russell T Davies, is more than capable of writing drama for children that's also suitable for adults - as anyone who watched Dark Season or Century Falls in the early 90s can attest - it's a surprise that he went with fart jokes, belching dustbins and slapstick as a way to bring the kids in. Still, what do I know? Look what the ratings were.

Anyway, as a result of all this childishness, I never bothered to make a date for most of the episodes.

'The Christmas Invasion', however, is probably the first of the new Whos that I would want to watch again. Everything worked. David Tennant, with toned-down London accent, was very good, maybe needing a little more gravitas at times, but excellent for the most part. The script was good, with no fart gags and no tiresome deus ex Piper at the end: the Doctor actually earned his victories this time round. There was also a darker edge to it that hinted at a more adult tone for the show.

The trailer at the end of the episode has made me eager for more, which is something I wasn't expecting. Curses. I really don't want to be a Doctor Who fan. Don't do this to me!