As we all know, the new series of Torchwood is just around the corner. It starts in January in fact, maybe the 18th. The publicity machine is starting up in earnest and the interviews are being ground out in various media.

Top of the list of questions asked of the stars seems to be “Why do you think fans reacted so badly to the first series?” Now, I'm thinking of compiling the great big list of “Really Stupid Reasons Why People Who Like Torchwood Think People Who Don't Like Torchwood Don't Like It” aka The RSRWPWLTTPWDLTDLI List because I'm seeing loads of theories from people who loved Torchwood (or work on it) that don't at the very least square with my reasons and at the very worst seem to be utterly divorced from reality.

Torchwood seems to be the Marmite of television shows: you either love it or you hate it. However, my reasons for generally not liking Torchwood, bar the first episode, the PJ Hammond episode and a few towards the end, were:

1. It was illogical, implausible and made no sense most of the time
2. It wasn't big or clever but thought it was
3. It was completely inconsistent even on its own terms, with people swearing like troopers in one episode and not swearing at all the next. See also point 4
4. It had appalling characterisation, with a date rapist turning all sensitive the next episode before reverting back to form and Ianto trying to kill Jack for killing his girlfriend in one episode then having a timed wank off with him within the next couple of episodes
5. The characters were mostly quite dull
6. Some of the plots were a bit threadbare
7. It seems to be written at times by people who have never spoken to other human beings
8. It's supposed to be for adults, but it seems aimed at teenagers who have heard about this sex thing but haven't yet “done it”

I can enjoy a silly show, a fantasy show and all sorts of other shows. I just don't really enjoy appallingly badly written ones.

But already on The RSRWPWLTTPWDLTDLI List, we have some of the following reasons why most people don't like Torchwood

• They're alienated by the overt sexuality in the show (shag who you like, as often as you like - just shag them convincingly, I say. That's not over sexuality I see, though, that's just dialogue points on a demographics board)
• It's because it's not Doctor Who (in common with over 99% of other TV shows, quite a lot of which are better than Torchwood)
• The only people who don't like Torchwood are closed-minded and homophobic (see the first item on the list)
• They're jealous of the Range Rover (it's killing the planet)

As I said, I'm building a list, so if you've seen any really unconvincing arguments about why people might not like Torchwood, leave them below.

Equally, let us know why you love Torchwood, if you do. Fancying Ianto, Jack or whomever is a valid reason, although you're putting yourself through a lot of pain for the sake of love, my friend. If you talk about its excellent writing quality, however, I know two doctors licensed under section five of the Mental Health Act 1983 who'll want to have a word.